**For those just tuning in, I’m doing 30 posts in 30 days for the month of May. I have a lot of random thoughts that have been waiting for a home. Sometimes I’ll post twice in a day and others I may not post at all. I just wanna get to 30.**
A lot can happen in a month so it’s easy to imagine how much can happen in 365 days. Around this time last year, I was finishing up my job in Boston and scrambling to make my transition to NYC. I was also in a relationship that was spiraling down the drain. It was more frustrating than my hamstring injury junior year of college (A future post). Communication was nonexistent and nights in bed together were the antithesis of exciting. You know sh*t is f*cked up when you’re with someone in the same city and average 1 sexual encounter every 30 days. I saw more mice than I did the animal that’s supposed to kill ‘em.
As expected, we decided to dead it. It was a movie-quality emotional end to something that had been emotionless for so long. I was pretty tight about how it went down. It took me a few weeks to reassemble myself to a point that I didn’t look like I was absent even when I was present amongst friends. 2 months went by before I convinced myself that she was living her life so I needed to live mine. So what did I do? I got back out there and did the damn thing — or so I thought.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. Let me rephrase that. I’ve made a ton of mistakes. Haven’t we all though? One of the biggest missteps I made was getting back into “the game” when deep down I knew I wasn’t ready. I’ve come to learn that I can be an illusionist to myself and others — particularly if that which plagues me is out of sight and out of mind.
So I went out with women. Some of which expected things to go further than they did. Others were perplexed by my lack of desire to bed them and general disinterest that usually appeared around week 3. I eventually realized that the more chicks I went out with, the unhappier I became. It was draining. I mean…I met some really remarkable women that looking back I’d have considered seriously dating if I were up for it. And given how well I treated them even though I had no intention of de-marketing myself, they often thought that I considered the same. I still think I have a few apology letters to write.
It’s about a year later. Life is back to normal and I can’t help but think I’d have sped the process along and healed sooner if I didn’t try to do too much too soon. This is one mistake I won’t make again. At the most, I’ll just keep myself busy with the things that energize me. And I’ll try my best to not let that past pain lead to future sabotage. That in itself is a post for another day. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not.
Something witty about life lessons and warm pie,