**For those just tuning in, I’m doing 30 posts in 30 days for the month of May. I have a lot of random thoughts that have been waiting for a home. Sometimes I’ll post twice in a day and others I may not post at all. I just wanna get to 30.**
A lot can happen in a month so it’s easy to imagine how much can happen in 365 days. Around this time last year, I was finishing up my job in Boston and scrambling to make my transition to NYC. I was also in a relationship that was spiraling down the drain. It was more frustrating than my hamstring injury junior year of college (A future post). Communication was nonexistent and nights in bed together were the antithesis of exciting. You know sh*t is f*cked up when you’re with someone in the same city and average 1 sexual encounter every 30 days. I saw more mice than I did the animal that’s supposed to kill ‘em.
As expected, we decided to dead it. It was a movie-quality emotional end to something that had been emotionless for so long. I was pretty tight about how it went down. It took me a few weeks to reassemble myself to a point that I didn’t look like I was absent even when I was present amongst friends. 2 months went by before I convinced myself that she was living her life so I needed to live mine. So what did I do? I got back out there and did the damn thing — or so I thought.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. Let me rephrase that. I’ve made a ton of mistakes. Haven’t we all though? One of the biggest missteps I made was getting back into “the game” when deep down I knew I wasn’t ready. I’ve come to learn that I can be an illusionist to myself and others — particularly if that which plagues me is out of sight and out of mind.
So I went out with women. Some of which expected things to go further than they did. Others were perplexed by my lack of desire to bed them and general disinterest that usually appeared around week 3. I eventually realized that the more chicks I went out with, the unhappier I became. It was draining. I mean…I met some really remarkable women that looking back I’d have considered seriously dating if I were up for it. And given how well I treated them even though I had no intention of de-marketing myself, they often thought that I considered the same. I still think I have a few apology letters to write.
It’s about a year later. Life is back to normal and I can’t help but think I’d have sped the process along and healed sooner if I didn’t try to do too much too soon. This is one mistake I won’t make again. At the most, I’ll just keep myself busy with the things that energize me. And I’ll try my best to not let that past pain lead to future sabotage. That in itself is a post for another day. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not.
Something witty about life lessons and warm pie,
Writing is a good therapy tool.. good post
So often, we get back into dating early because we are missing that companionship we used to have. We know that we aren’t ready, but it’s better than being alone. It’s not out of desperation or anything like that, it stems from comfort. You get comfortable with someone, and sometimes you don’t want to lose that. It took me YEARS to heal from a breakup because I got back out there too early, thinking that it would help me get over him, but it only made it worse. Once I took the time out to truly get myself together and actually heal, I’ve become a lot happier.
Alladis!
Woooowww….can I say this was me in 2010? Cause this was ME in 2010! lolol I cosign your every single word. I was beginning to think I'm an alien. It seems like you learned that your mind has to heal in order for your body to be with it. Also, when you rush into something because you feel that's what you should be doing, it's forced and takes the joy away. I found that when I went out right after my breakup, it just made me think of him even more. I know there's a saying that says "in order to get over someone, you should get under someone." which I'm sure works but not all the time. Good things come to those who wait. Words I try to live by. GREAT post. I needed this.
Yeah, I shoulda read the comments first…jinx!
One of the biggest missteps I made was getting back into “the game” when deep down I knew I wasn’t ready.
i think we all do this, even when we don't mean to. sometimes we purposefully try to get back out there and erase the hurts and negatives of a recently ended relationship, thinking that some one new (and temporary) will help us through our transition. sometimes we accidently end up with some one because they are giving you all the attention your recent ex wasn't. either way, it usually ends in us still ruminating on recent love battle wounds and it ultimately affects our ability to establish successful relationships (be they romantic or otherwise) with other people.
time spent alone, to get our emotional and psychological selves, is really the best remedy. i advise most of my friends to take a few months after a breakup to just NOT deal romantically (even if its just casual) with others until they give themselves time to cast out old baggage and be ok as a single. once you're comfortable on your own as an individual and happy in yourself, you're prepared to be paired up again
great post, thanks for sharing!!!
p.s. 2x in one month–i am WINNING!
I really enjoyed this post. To avoid that too much too soon situation I’ve already admitted to myself and others that I’m not ready for anything serious. I’m just interested in getting to know people. Although, I want to get over my ex like RIGHT now, I know I will only prolong the process if I don’t let this open wound heal on it's own. It's a pretty big wound too.
Man, do I feel you. Some people say that the quickest way to get over your ex is to get under your next, but that just doesn’t with for me. All the dates I’d go on just made me miss him and what we had even more…
I do wonder when I’ll finally be over him, in the meantime I just gotta keep working on me, so that I’m ready when I am ready.
That get under to get over is awful advice. I cringe when I hear people offer that up to someone that went through a breakup. I hear it often…from women.
I think that's like using a cast without setting the bone first. Technically the tissue is healing, but not the way it's supposed to.
wow. that's a really good analogy.
"Doesn't work"…
Not "doesn't with" *sigh*
Who says these phones are smart?
That's better than emailing your boss that you're gonna be late and you try to typing coming soon and instead it types cumming soon.lol
See, your phone's telling on you, that's a custom dictionary word /:-| …you're a dirty sanchez bird!
^ Oh ish! Tattlin @ss phone!! ;-p
I'm dying laughing at this. Last week I texted my dad "deez" smh
"in order to get over someone, you should get under someone."
This is BreakUp101 Rule#1 and it should be Obliterated ASAP!!!
This is the worse thing anybody could do to that person you choose to get under or over because what happens is you are not completely healed from the previous breakup no matter who ended it or for whatever reason and you are subconsciously using that new person as a crutch so to speak and once you do finally heal guess what?? YOU'LL DUMP HIM/HER or in my case YOU'LL START ACTING OUT (me) so that person (him) would be forced to want to have "The Talk"
HA! This is exactly where I'm at now. The hardest part is also deciding that the relationship you're coming out of should be revived or laid to rest. The break up is rarely one bad argument, but a beast in the making. From break up to recovery, there is not one formula or timetable.