Remember me?
This morning when I was going through my shaving ritual (lather, rinse, stroke, repeat, pause) I had an epiphany. It’s been a really long time since I went to church. Honestly, I haven’t been since I left Boston. Some of you may remember the post series I wrote on 3 Ways about how I finally found faith. What I’m saying right now probably disappoints you a bit. That’s fine because it disappoints me too. And to reduce some of that disappointment, let me just say that I still believe in God. I just haven’t been to an actual church in a long time.
Why don’t you just find a church in New York? There are so many to choose from. It’ll just take some time.
I’ve stopped talking to people about it because I can finish their sentences since everybody says the same thing. The truth is I will most likely never find the perfect church for me. I mean…humans run churches. That’s one reason. The other is much more complex. Let me share some stuff with you without sounding like I’m trying to indoctrinate and pontificate.
When I found my church home in Boston, the teachings and structure spoke to me. I really believed I was learning the truth. My life got better. Things that didn’t normally go my way started going my way. When there were unpleasant happenings, they were much easier to brush off because I always knew something positive was on the horizon. Sure, there were some lessons I didn’t agree with but overall everything made sense. I was focused on developing my relationship with God and figured He’d tell me what was right or not via some shining light in a dream or a burning bush. (I’ma leave this alone since the post is about faith and God probably subscribes to the site. Hi God.)
After a few months, challenges started to surface. The church I went to held services on Saturday (No. I’m not SDA) — 3 services to be exact. It was expected that you’d attend all 3. I understood why, but having my whole Saturday bodied by faith complicated other parts of my life. Nothing should come before God and it shouldn’t feel complicated but here lies one of the challenges. There were also services on Tuesday nights that people were expected to attend. I worked in a commission-based job at the time and had to cut out of work early to be punctual. Given my slumping numbers, my manager didn’t like that at all. Neither did my back account. We’ll call this challenge #2.
The third challenge, and probably the one I took most issue with, was that the teachings forbid going into other churches– particularly those that held services on Sunday. Again, I understood why. It made sense in the context of what and how I learned. But are you telling me that if someone is performing in an event at their church, dies, or gets married that I can’t attend? Sacrifice is important, but these 3 challenges compounded by the fact I was “the least devout” made it very difficult. I can count on 1 hand how many times I sat through all 3 services on Saturday in the 8 months I attended. I can count on 100 hands how many times someone said “Brother Slim. We have to adhere to the teachings. Your salvation is at stake.”
I was stuck between the Rock of Gibraltar and a hard place. Between doing and hating my job, looking for a new one in NYC, and handling all the blog stuff, I was busy enough. The church, which I do still feel strongly about, was basically asking me to cut back on other parts of my life to make more time for my faith. I’m introspective as is, so you can imagine how much I thought about every action. At certain points it felt like the pursuit of writing and professional happiness clashed with the pursuit of a reservation in heaven whenever it came down to the final comedown. I don’t want no part of eternal torment, so what is a man supposed to do?
It’s funny. Since I moved to NYC, I’ve had 2 personal relationships deteriorate (See yesterday’s post for more). One bridge is burned forever and I’m trying to figure out how to strengthen the foundation of the other. I still believe in the core teachings of the church from Boston which also has a location in NYC now. I’m also still stuck on some of the restrictions and how they’ll impact my life given the trajectory I’m on. And since I’m not a fan of Sunday worship and much of what goes on in the other churches, it’s tough for me to do a Tour de Church in NYC and feel good about it.
If church was a la carte, I’d be the most devout christian in the world. Unfortunately for me and everybody else that has 2 legs, walks upright, and speaks instead of just making sounds, that isn’t realistic unless I create my own sect of Christianity. And as much as I love writing, I don’t have the time to research and scribe a belief system on some papyrus. I’ll just pray and hope that an answer comes to me. That’s what I’ve been doing anyway.
Jesus Just Might Guest Post Here Tomorrow,
this was a good post. I can understand the conflict you feel especially with what's going on with your writing and budding career, you want to be able to explore those things without the restrictions or made to feel guilty about them. I believe God wants that for you too–I mean its not like these activities are criminal or harmful. I hope you find the balance needed.
Balance has been a theme over the course of the week as I've been writing here. I need some candles and some tea.lol.
I haven't been occupying a church pew as much as other people would like but I must say that my butt print in a pew is NOT going to seal me a deal in Heaven. (Also, it's not about other people wanting me in church and I have my own personal reasons as to why I've slacked on going) Not being in church every or most days they have a service has NOT had an affect on my relationship with God which is what I think is most important.
Great post, but what exactly were the consequences for not attending on Tuesdays and other nights? Besides the admonitions, were you going to get dropped from the Church Roll Call? I’m sure you weren’t the only one who couldn’t sacrifice a whole day to be in church.
I believe in balance as well, when church-related events start feeling like a task, there’s a problem. I hope you do find someplace where you’re being fed and are growing, and I think trying to find the ‘perfect’ church (for you, or anyone) is a bit of an oxymoron. Every church has its issues.
Do you have any personal habits that sustain you in the meantime; preachers on TV, lessons online, devotionals?
I really interested in hearing more about this church. I don't think I've ever heard of one with those practices
I appreciate that you recognize that all humans have a spiritual need and that you have taken steps to fulfill yours. However I'd suggest that in making spiritual decisions you place more emphasis on what GOD requires of YOU than what man does. God's requirements are never burdensome. (1 John 5:3)
I feel really badly that you were under that kind of pressure. Biblically, how did they justify such demands. Read Ephesians 2:8-10 with an emphasis on the ninth verse. Yes, God wants us to be willing to sacrifice our time and agendas for ministry, but not for religion and man made rules. I pray that they put most emphasis on growing in your knowledge of Him and His word and not on familiarity within the local assembly. Remember that scripture tells us that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. The best sacrifices are the ones you make to spend time with Him (whether on your couch alone or in public) and the sacrifice of your will for His will for you. Be blessed!!!