She read the post...
On Friday night, I sat down to write a draft of my post for Single Black Male. I had been thinking about it on the train ride home from the post-collegiate white frat party I wrote about over the weekend. Me and the homie J were talking about awkward conversations with chicks. One of which happened to be explaining to a woman why we chose not to get into a relationship with them then went off to date somebody else. I said a few tipsy words about it being a hard pill to swallow for a woman to see a man she wanted to be with choose to date somebody else and not understand why she wasn’t good enough even though he had bedded her repeatedly. He made a cooler and blacker version of the Ric Flair sound (Wooo!) and I immediately knew I had a monstrous post on my hands. This happens a lot. I say something witty and/or bawse, then it turns into a post with names removed and my phone set to silent.
I got to my train stop and scurried home like my bowels were about to fail me. I couldn’t wait to get back to the crib and dump my thoughts into WordPress then light a match. And when I did, boy did I feel relieved. Sometimes it’s difficult to keep the original thoughts, quotes, and metaphors worded the exact way they crossed my mind if too much time goes by. I feel like I have over the counter ADD or happy squirrel syndrome sans chasing after nuts.
I went ahead and wrote the full post which I initially titled “She Just Wasn’t Good Enough.” I changed it in the morning after I posted it to “Why Wasn’t I Good Enough?” because the title didn’t really capture what the post was about. Anyway, every thought that came to mind went into the draft. I approached it as if I was writing here. It was raw, transparent, and very real. Once it was done, I saved the post, drank a beer, and ate some pizza. A couple hours later, I opened it back up to see what foolishness leaked from my brain onto the electronic canvas.
I cringed.
“This is gonna get me eaten alive, disliked, and booed. Ain’t no way in hell the women reading this are gonna be feeling this post. I need to make this easier on the eyes.”
If anything has stunted my growth as a writer, it’s been my sensitivity to opinions at times. I’ve always been honest in my posts, but I’ve usually tried to take a more agreeable and positive approach. It’s worked to a certain degree, but in reality I think the filters have done more harm that good. And truthfully, if I didn’t have this personal blog for a week as training ground I don’t know that I would’ve wrote it but I’m glad I did. And as expected, it got ugly.
264 c0mments, 88 FB likes, and 24 RTs later, I’m amazed at how many people it struck a nerve with. I mean…I knew it would hit, but I didn’t expect the heated debate to escalate to what it did. Yeah, I took some shots from folks on SBM and Twitter. I even got a couple messages off to the side saying “you know what you did was f*cked up right?” I basically polarized and alienated a good chunk of the reader base. My stomach turned a bit on my first glance through the comments similar to the feeling I’ve gotten on the few occasions I’ve been on a roller coaster.
It was f*cking awesome.
Why was it awesome? Not because I enjoy seeing people upset, but because people felt compelled to react when they could’ve said nothing at all. I didn’t even have to be inflammatory (Not to be confused with flaming). Lurkers came out the woodworks. New fans emerged saying they respected the honesty. There were so many conversations going on that I didn’t even know where to focus. TRSJ traffic soared to a level I didn’t expect to see for a month as a result of the clicks. The payoff of taking a chance with my writing was far greater than the chinks in my armor. I trusted myself and in exchange received a whole new level of confidence. It was pretty f*cking bawse. However, don’t think for a second that I won’t be sensitive about my sh*t. It’s an artistic thing.
I’m hoping I can carry this momentum forward. Whether people like it or not, some things just need to be said. My opinion is my opinion and my story is my story. I’ll do my best to stick to ‘em. Besides, the worst thing anybody can do is send me an innocuous message…or approach me at a public function demanding that I explain myself. And if the latter happens, well..I’ll just have to be The Real Slim Jackson.
30 in 30 for the win,
It was a great post that most of us can relate to in some kinda way. 30 in30 so far so good. Becoming one of my fave writers in the blogosphere
Appreciate this!
What's funny is that I almost commented on this on I'm not a star…somebody lied but I didn't know how to articulate what I wanted to say.
My observation has been that people usually post about things that annoy them. It's why I'm not a huge fan of the dislike button. Dissent leads to conversation, which is why controversial posts have more traffic. It gets old seeing a whole bunch of cosigns and twss and whatnot. So the more pc you are the less commentary you see. jmo
Oh and while I wasn't privy to what went down on twitter, I don't think there was all that much backlash but what do I know
Yeah, obviously Slim got way more than we would know about…but I think that it stayed mostly positive/productive too.
Well, there ya go. And to be fair, that narrative could have been far, far worse. Good for you.
It was a great post. Great discussion. And I’m so glad you didn’t alter the ending.
Bask.
The payoff of taking a chance with my writing was far greater than the
chinks in my armor. I trusted myself and in exchange received a whole
new level of confidence. It was pretty f*cking bawse.
pow.
This is one of the 10 million reasons why I haven't committed to writing a blog. It falls just between pure laziness and commitment phobia, its the point where its not about you and your thoughts, but how you will be percieved and alienating your readership, etc. I read a lot of blogs and use to actively participate in a forum and in the end the responsibility to your readership seems to surpass the reason why you the writer began doing it all in the first place. I've seen quite a few bloggers eventually resent their readers eventually quitting blogging altogether …its all kind of weird considering its the internet, but I guess its still apart of life. I appreciate you keeping it real in your writing. The thought never crossed my mind a blog would be polished in order to make a happy ending just to please readers, that's not what a blog makes in my mind.
As for the content of that post. I just can't relate. Call me arrogant, call me narcissistic, better yet call me smart, but I could never find myself in that situation and have never found myself in Jen's position (actually I've been in your position a few times). I've seen my guy friends do what you did and yeah I advise them against it, but I can't place the blame squarely on them. I blame women…maybe if I would just write a damn blog I could save the earth one [dumb] broad at a time lol. For now I'll just work on a really cool signature.
I say you start a blog and post once or twice a week. It'll be fun and you may end up with a Nobel Peace Prize.
I saw the comments on SBM yesterday and I was shocked, laughing, side eye, etc. It’s like some people read a diff post than me. I didn’t find it offensive at all. I thought you handled Jenn appropriately. Her convo was a trap that could have went left real fast had you “told her the truth”. Truth is, she didn’t do anything wrong and saying “she wasn’t the one” would have gotten her more upset. I think some people got mad because they saw themselves in Jenn. We all chant about wanting the truth but real life says differently. We don’t like the truth. We want our egos to be smoothed and our confidence boosted…blog readers have def taught me that. Criticism sounds good in theory. I felt bad you took a beating but it was good for you. (pause) Playing it safe is good but it doesn’t stir reaction and bring dialogue. Honesty will get you some boos but will get you ALOT of likes and reaction. Yesterday was exciting, honest and real. Your delivery wasn’t offensive either. Kudos
Appreciate this comment and stand you’re still peeping the posts from the sidelines. You speaking some truths right now actually.lol
I really enjoy reading your posts. They're entertaining, interesting, thoughtful and just plain cool. The "Why Wasn't I Good Enough" post didn't bother me at all. It was truth. The reality is most women don't listen to what men are saying. Men like to make it plain when dating, or at least that's been my experience. "I'm not interested, I don't want a relationship, I'm only looking for a sexship, etc.", these are all pretty clear cut. The problem is when emotions get involved and one person tries to turn it into something else. Outside of self-assessment, is there ever really a reason to ask the other person why it didn't work? If you wanna know because it will help make you a better person and figure out what your issues are with commitment then great, but if it's just for curiosity's sake or because you're upset to see them with someone else, LET IT GO. Then embarrassing conversations won't happen. lol. At any rate, keep writing Slim. Gives me something to read in the morning with my coffee before my boss starts losing his mind.
You just made me think of something. If you (not you) have to ask someone “what did I do wrong?” then clearly the “relationship” wasn’t what you (not you) thought because if you did have something real with the person, they would have told you upon exit. To me, explanations is a break-up and break-ups are reserved for relationships. Just my opinion.This is why women really need to evaluate if they are right for the whole FWB thing or LET IT GO like you said. It’s not for everyone. In the end, we really can’t be mad especially when the man told you (not you lol).
LOL, get it all out SFG, it must’ve killed you yesterday not to comment. WTH? Get back in the discussion!!
LOL – I was thinking girl where were you yesterday???
So I went over to SBM to read your post, fully expecting to not like you, lol– at least for the day. As I was reading, I did have a few shaking my head followed by the comment "nigs" moments, but by the time I got to the end I was like, "that's all?" It wasn't that serious. I had what you described happen to me, but I like to reflect at the end of things. Time and space has given me the wisdom to know that when a guy says "I'm not looking for a relationship right now", that's what he means. Next time a man says this to me, I'll be looking for my next date with the next dude. No more assuming that every man I talk to is going to be my ultimate love jones.
Btw…I'm sending your post to all my single friends with the subject, "…and this is why we need to start dating more than one man at a time."
Glad to hear you're sending it along. Souls need to be saved from emotional torment and questions unanswered. lol
You have to be nothing less than "The Real Slim Jackson" So I appreciated the post. I told you on twitter yesterday I fell in lub – my first e-crush to be exact. Which as your posted here made me subscribe to this blog. Keep doing you! Its so worth it!
The subject matter in that post just didn't sit right with me. Not because it isn't a situation that I haven't seen before or been in for that matter but it was irritating to me that you didn't take a little more responsibility. I am aware that "Jen" also has to take responsibility for her own actions because after all, ya'll both were grown but I wish you would have decided that you know, this chick is just digging a deeper hole for herself because she's catching feelings due to the sex and I probably should go ahead and end this.
You said in your post: Jenn wasn’t right for me in terms of a relationship. I knew it the whole
time, but didn’t see a reason to voice it since she understood what we
were. Yeah, no. Jen heard you, but she didn't HEAR you. And that's her fault. But partially yours too. When you realized that, I really wished you would have just bounced then.
She probably wasn't mature enough to end it when she should have. I wish you would have been. But hopefully you both have lived and learned.
And I can always wish.
I will say this, your post was extremely well written and provocative. Well done.
The thing about blogging is that it takes bawls to stand on a soapbox and speak your peace because it just makes you a better target for the tomatoes that may come your way (or the bricks and bottles if your set your soapbox up on a corner in Brooklyn). I salute your courage. Just be prepared to duck when necessary.
I cracked the f*ck up about the bricks and bottles. At first I was thinking about splats, but now I'm thinking thuds.
I thought your post was great. It struck a nerve and those type of post usually stir up drama. But as a young woman I learned something from it and it made me think of past experiences in a new way.