**Eff Em Friday is Back! See the next post!**
Lord, bring me back and gimme my hands...sans the neon lines.
If you’ve been reading my randomness or following me on twitter, then you know that I ran track in college. Let it be known that I wasn’t exceptionally fast. I did, however, have legs like ox. No Oregon Trail. And with lower half like ox, the long jump was a feasible event for a thick-legged and big-footed beast. I guess this is the point where I drop in a witty reference to my baby-maker…Done.
**Insert smooth, but certainly no Kappa style, transition**
You’re probably wondering what track has to do with the title of this post. Let’s just say I was going through some old pics of myself and came across one from just after college when my body fat was at an all-time low. So imagine how I felt looking at this pic knowing that it’s currently at an all-time high. It was like a before and after shot…in reverse. I stood up to see what my stomach would do in response to the old pic and it got visibly discouraged. Looked down at the floor and everything. Then I did crunches and push-ups. It cried. Tears coming out of the belly button is somewhere between strange and pussyfoot. I say pussyfoot for the face that you made when you read it.
I ended up having a nightmare. It was a dream I’d joked about but never expected to happen to me. In this dream, I was in a public restroom exercising my right to sink the cheerios. Don’t ask me why there were cheerios in the toilet. My imagination does sh*t that not even I can comprehend in a sober and lucid state. Anyway, I was ahh’ing and then I looked down. I couldn’t see my d*ck. It was in my hand, but it wasn’t visible. My stomach was blocking the view. I tried to suck it — my stomach — in, but nothing happened. I turned around and saw a camera crew from A&E and the producer told me they were filming for the new season of Heavy.
Aight, the part with A&E is definitely a lie. Believe everything else including the cheerios. Pretty sure I dreamed about the cheerios because I saw a friend at work eating ‘em at her desk. She’s probably reading this and won’t say good morning because I freaked her out. I make things awkward sometimes. It keeps life spicy.
When I woke up from the dream, the first thing I did was make sure I hadn’t soiled my sheets. Once I realized they were dryer than unhappy cooch, I looked at my gut to see if it really was as fat as it had seemed in my dream. It wasn’t. I lifted my hands to the sky and thanked the bearded deity that allows me to exist for not molding me into a fat f*ck.
The greater point is that I need to go to the gym. All this fried chicken, cheesesteak, and beer-battered diabetes has to be limited. I say limited because I know that I won’t stop eatin’ comfort foods completely. Summer is supposed to be a time for fun and sexy pics that can go on Facebook. I don’t wanna have to wear a t-shirt in the pool with sunglasses on and a peace sign in the air because I let myself go. Let this post be the proclamation that somewhere in the next month, I’ll go to the gym. And once I do go, my body will transform into something that would look acceptable in spandex or Under Armour.
I mean hey, gotta speak it into existence. Sometimes when pastors are preaching hard it’s because they’re preaching to themselves.
Not fat. Not skinny. So please don’t mind the fact that my name is,
Maybe I’m wrong, but I have a picture of Precious (Gabourey Sidibe) hanging on my wall to keep me motivated exercising. It used to hang on the fridge too. Talk about making you not want to eat. But I too can’t give up the comfort foods. Pancakes must be eaten at least once a month. It’s all about moderation and exercise.
Ouch, that's tough, but if it works, it works.
Is it a pic of her smiling or a pic of her looking anguished holding 2 babies?
one of her smiling in a formal gown.
You are too silly! your cheerios and bed checking had me dyin’!
Being uncomfortable with your body is not fun, I know. And knowing what you have to do is the easy part.
this made me laugh…
I don't frequent the gym (weights are not my thing) but I'm fairly small but I eat a lot so I've begun to exercise by briskly walking from my house to the end of the neighborhood. Twice, it's not a far distance but it gets the job done. the 'job' being getting me used to doing SOME type of exercise and to keep me looking the same though I eat as if I'm about to serve a life sentence. It seems to be working, overtime that is meaning I went from 105lbs to 101lbs. Losing weight is not my focus and if I hit 99lbs I might cry
lol at fairly small. If you’re a brisk breeze from 99 lbs, I’d say you’re just small. That’s good for acrobatics and shopping.
you are right… you have to speak things into existence… speak it, believe it, do it and own it…
wishing us both much success with the sexy pics for summer….
I'm making this about me too so, from your mouth to God's ear…lol
You got me singing I Believe I Can Fly.
" Anyway, I was ahh’ing and then I looked down. I couldn’t see my d*ck.
It was in my hand, but it wasn’t visible. My stomach was blocking the
view. I tried to suck it — my stomach — in, but nothing happened."
#DEAD
I have never been an athlete just a professional spectator – never had to work out until what felt like I woke up one day and had a stomach and wasn't dreaming! In any case its coming off because i'm seriously working out now. So thanks for this it gave me more motivation!
LOL, this is ragodhamdiculous! Had me rollin… and you ain't gotta lie, the first thing you did wasn't check the sheets, the FIRST thing you did was grab ya idck and make sure you could see it. LOL
*Slim awakens frantically and bolts upright. Hand goes STRAIGHT to SlimtimusPrime and Slim breathes a sigh of relief that his old friend is not only where he's supposed to be, but fully visible*
<del>*Slim goes on to reward/punish SlimtimusPrime for being there/worrying him so in his dream*</del>
Allllright, obviously I need to go to bed…
Funny stuff and for what it's worth, I think you have a great shape/weight/body. #Shrug
LOL! SlimtimusPrime just kilt me. too funnny.
Why did I just imagine my jawn making the transformer sound when it’s time to put in work?
Yessssssss!
More than meets the eye…
oh Star, you slay me!!!! lmao
Summer is supposed to be a time for fun and sexy pics that can go on Facebook.
LOL f*ck yeah this is EXACTLY what summer is for!!
i feel you on not wanting to be outta shape. i too was an athlete in high school (swim team baby!) and seeing old pics of myself in my swimmer days makes me sick at how NOT swimmer-like my body is right now. im trying to eat smarter and work out more consistently. its a struggle but im bound and determined to be able to buy cute summer dresses and not feel like i always have to cover my arms. *sigh*
alllllll that to say, good luck homie!!! may the force of track body's past be with you
I need to get my hamstrings in order too. I tried to do a spring this morning and it basically said n*gga please.
LOL ive had moments like that too *smh*
best part about working out, doe?? old creepy men tryna holla (o_O)
So wait…I’m the only one who took notice to this guy saying he has legs like an ox, thick legged, big footed beast and holding his d*ck?!! Oh just me? Ok. This whole post needs a few pictures to support it as it’s in gross violation of blog rules. As a matter of fact, go ahead and get fat…extra fat. I’m sick of swooning over you Slim. SICK. You track running, loving your mama, cares about women’s feelings, big foot…Ugh! If I sound angry, it’s because I am. It’s dry as the Sahara over here and I’m about to go up in flames so I don’t want to be reading this on a Friday. I want you to write about how you kick puppies, steal candy from kids and take handicap parking spots. Even out this madness.
Just kidding.
This is kind of what I do right before the summer. I go into crash mode and work out to lose the extra pounds I gained over the winter. It’s a process. I have pics of me when I was 20 (the best I ever looked and will never look like again) posted on my mirror. At least you’re conscious of your weight gain (which I didn’t see) and try to check it. Good luck to you and your track legs. I played soccer my entire life but ran track junior/senior year of highschool. Memories.
How weird is it that I posted a dream piece today too? I wasn’t even in your head, just stuck in meetings. You’re not fat but I am. Now that school is finished for the semester I can dig in and focus. I’m not skurred but neither are you! Cute write Slm.
Hmm…never heard of anyone liken their legs to that of an ox. It randomly made me think about the fact that I haven’t had ox tail stew in years. Regardless, this was a timely post. I recently made a pact with a friend to work out at least 3 times a week. Haven’t been this week, so it’s not looking good.
I've been doing Zumba and that junk is FUN!! Highly recommended. Basically you're just dancing
Takes me back to college; salsa, cumbia, raggaeton, hip hop.
*salsa and hip thrusts out*
Yup, being a part of the chubb club is not the business. If only eating spinach and rice cakes was as good as woofing down cherry cheese cake with a side of fries, I wouldn't be such a chunkybuster! I was "Weightloss Wendy" a year ago–taking on all the weights, kickboxing and zumba one heart could handle. but due to varying life changes, I haven't be motivated to lose more. I think I should get back on the wagon.
"Anyway, I was ahh’ing and then I looked down. I couldn’t see my d*ck. It was in my hand, but it wasn’t visible. My stomach was blocking the view."
I chuckled audibly at that part. I was spoiled at school. I performed (African dance, but not of the Zulu persuasion), so I was constantly practicing. The prep that went into perfecting moves for those few minutes on stage, coupled with some manual labour that I did on Fridays, kept this body looking suuu-weeeet (in my head, anyway). It wasn't effortless, but it was too delightful to be considered work. Even when it had nothing to do with the stage, I had a reputation for always working them hips. Something about that sounds bad, but whatevs..since we keeping life spicy and ish. In the past year since I graduated, the better part of 40 hrs of every week are spent behind a desk, and with this later shift, I have even more excuses as to why the elliptical and treadmill downstairs are gathering dust. I have some Ab & full body workout DVDs and have considered getting into Zumba. Yada, yada, yada. If talk weren't so cheap, my chequing account would have taken a big hit. I have this bikini pic from three summers ago that hurts my feelings to look at. I know I'll be more active once I get back to the school life, but I miss my fit body. It doesn't help that people give me the "child, please!" look & comments whenever I mention needing to get into shape. Ah well.
Fakin' it til I lose it,
Gluttonisha
I couldn't see myself ever doing one of those dvd's or videos. I'd feel some type of way about being in my living room like "and 1 and 2 and 3 and roll." This morning was supposed to be a return to the gym. I slept in. Glad I proclaimed that within a month I'd make my return.
Whenever I'm trying to get back into the habit of going To the gym, I start with things I enjoy (for me that's yoga) and once I'm used to going to the gum period, I start doing the stuff I don't like (like running, I hate running)
I feel you. To be honest, what I would really love is to enroll in some dance studio and get 'er done that way. Dancing is one of my favorite things to do, even with a significant other, so it'd be a blast.
lol Sleep seems so much sweeter when you have some set goals in place. I should start waking up earlier to workout before I shower & head to work.
I make things awkward sometimes. It keeps life spicy.
#winning