Recapping the Day of a Major F*cking Interview

The following is a recreation of a day on which I was unnecessarily stressed. **Law and Order sound**

630am

Sh*t sh*t sh*t sh*t sh*t, I gotta go on the radio today. F*ck this meeting and the work that awaits. I need to be prepared. Waaaaayyyyy too many people gonna hear me for me to come off as ignorant or lame. I need to be witty and funny. Punch lines…I need punch lines. Dammit, I gotta move my car. I hate New York. Wait, I love it. *Puts on some sweats and a hat then goes to move car before the street sweeper comes through. Narrowly avoids dog sh*t on the way to car*

715am

**In the shower** I really hope this goes over well. Syndicated in 77 cities? What that smell like? So the audience is a bit older. They’re probably focused on different stuff. I kinda wish I didn’t even announce this was happening. Never again. Why is this wash cloth so rough? I need to use this for dishes. I wished I shaved last night. I don’t gotta be to work til 9, but I’m already feelin’ like I’m bout to be late. *Drops soap* Thank God I’m not in prison.

905am

I hate walking into meetings late. This is my fault. I should’ve taken the day off. **Slides glass door open and slides into first available seat** They’re used to this.

940am

You need me to produce a report on what? *To self* Yeah, I’ll get to that after I write out a few thoughts for this interview.

1155am

This work is killing me right now. I’ve left 1 comment on SBM and need to respond to these questions. Eh, I’ll get to it later. My stomach hurts. Why do I feel like I haven’t slept in 24 hours when I slept for 5 last night? This is annoying. **Coughs** Aw f*ck. I hope I’m not getting sick. Ain’t no way I’m trying to be on the radio sounding diseased. Jesus save your child.

3pm

I definitely put on deodorant this morning. My pits are feeling moist. Good thing I’m wearing a dark-colored shirt. *Reads through monogamy post again*

430pm

Me: Hey boss, I have a media interview tonight and the time got moved up. I need to cut out early. Please email me if you need anything. I’ll most definitely be in early tomorrow.

445pm

Why is this train taking so f*cking long. Of course the one time I have some sh*t to do, there’s a delay. This woman next to me smells like eggs and basset hound. Eh, I need to jot down some of this wit about monogamy in my iPod.

525pm

*Walks into Bodega* Hey homes. What’s good? Can I just get this 40 and a Snickers bar?

535pm

*Rereads post on Monogamy and jots down a few more lines in a Word document*

Monogamy is great for a debate, but it’s not for a first date unless you wanna go home with dry nuts. I can say dry nuts on the air right? There’s nothing really profane about that.

610pm

I need to drop a deuce.

630pm

*Emails producer alternate phone number in case the cell phone hates* Yes I washed my hands.

645pm

*Reads through punch lines and monogamy post 1 more time*

7pm

*Takes a long sip of the 40* I’m ready.

705

*Phone rings. I pick up and producer gives me instructions for when to talk on air. Gut bubbles*

706pm

*I’m on the air. I’m ready to talk about my thoughts on monogamy*

706pm

Michael: (Paraphrased because I still haven’t listened to the segment to get the exact words) So Slim, if a woman asked you on the first date if you were sleeping with other women, would you tell her?

Me: Err.

Michael: That hesitation sounds like you’d lie.

Me: **Some honest and unprepared comment about saying what I need to get buns and men being bred to tell women what they wanna hear. I go on to say a few more words and next you know, it’s thanks for the interview and take care.**

709pm

*Hangs up*

Me: What the f*ck just happened? That was awful. I’m not telling anybody about this.

And that was the day I had the biggest interview I’ve had in my life. Lesson learned: Just be yourself and know that whatever they say they’re gonna talk to you about probably isn’t what they’re gonna talk to you about.

Hey, it could’ve been worse. I could’ve taken off my shirt, exposed tatts, broken a window, then went outside my apartment building in Harlem lookin’ angry.

And now that I’ve given you the background, check out my 15 seconds of fame (toward the end) on the Michael Baisden show.

Beyond appreciative of the opportunity I was given,