Thank you Jesus for Trader Joe's.
On Wednesday at around 4:30pm, I made the decision to stop bullshitting and finally take my ass to Trader Joe’s. If you read my last post, you know I attempted to make it there this past weekend but my plans were foiled by the environmentally friendlies, exorbitant parking fees, and lack of patience. So instead of hoppin’ on the A-train uptown and coppin’ a cheesesteak or some beat up lettuce on the way home from Wednesday’s shift at the plantation, I decided to walk a few blocks from work and take the much slower 1-train to 72nd street. And rather than lug my fresh groceries onto the humid subway platform and then carry them 5 blocks in 90 degree weather, I’d take a cab. Shout out to the homie Seattle for the genius, yet practical, idea. Sometimes I fail to think of the most basic sh*t.
Anyway, I made it to TJ’s sans trouble. I probably had about 3-4 orgasms while inside of it. I knew it was about to be a great experience as soon as I went down…an escalator to get to the shopping area. It felt like I was headed to some secret urban oasis that the coloreds had not yet discovered. The nets were still attached to the basketball hoops and bad ass kids were nonexistent. Stereotypes, on the other hand, were and are everywhere…including this post.
I’ve been in New York City for just over a year now. In all of my visits to “grocery stores,” I’ve never had a person greet me with a smile and ask if I needed help finding anything. It was such a weird experience that I literally paused, tilted my head, and said “Umm. I’m just happy to be here.” He was overjoyed as if he owned the place and I had complimented his business. He thanked me for finally making the right decision and was off to help the next person. The hell?
I grabbed a cart and headed straight over to the yogurt — greek yogurt to be specific. There were so many healthy and trendy options that it took me 10 minutes to buy 4 yogurts and 2 parfaits. Just to make sure we’re on the page about the type of parfait I’m talking about here…
Yeah. This.
Once my cart was filled with yogurty goodness, I went to tackle the meats (Parallel vertical lines to remove the ambiguous gayness). To see a section of steaks, ground beef, and pork chops that weren’t already turnin’ the same shade as my skin was refreshing. Couple that with the fact I found 96% lean beef burger patties. I didn’t even know that was possible. It wasn’t on my list, but I copped. This would become a pattern. I think I left with only 4 out of 10 listed items, but bought like 20 items total.
Next I was off to some international section with sh*t like Tabbouli and Ginger Peanut Noodle Salad. I put both items into the cart. Then I took them out. Then I put them back in. Then I took them out. My cart moaned a little bit, so I put them back in and let them rock for the long haul. Then someone else came over to ask me if I needed any help and I said “Get your own cart!” told me they were giving away samples of linguini and clam sauce. Nom Nom Nom. I felt so f*ckin privileged that I thought I was white. It was awesome.
Then I see truly fresh produce everywhere. But before I can get to that, I hop on another escalator that takes me downstairs into a completely different section. It was so beautiful that I considered dying right there. I salivated at the assortment of pitas and pre-packaged meals and specialty dishes. “This can’t be life,” I thought. Not after the year I just lived. I even managed to find a beer I hadn’t seen since leaving Boston. I bought it just for the good memories.
I love you. I missed you. Remember that Party?
I threw more stuff in my cart and realized I was starting to OD so I went back upstairs to check out. The line was extremely brolick. In fact, it was so long (more parallel lines) that they had a person whose sole job was to hold a sign saying “end of line here.” I ain’t never seen that sh*t before.
Shortest long line in history. Kinda looks like cocaine...
This turned out to be the fastest moving line I’ve ever been in while shopping. What I expected to take an hour really took like 5 minutes. The cashier actually seemed to enjoy his job too. We had an interesting and lengthy conversation about Harlem and spots to get good deals. Other cashiers were equally as engaging with their customers, but the line kept moving. It made no sense and made me wanna live in a world free of rationale and logic. I happily took my receipt, went outside, and quickly hailed a cab. Ended up getting home in 10-15 minutes. I ran to my bacheloresque fridge and tossed my new delights in there. The feeling of accomplishment made me river dance. There will not be a picture of me river dancing.
All in all, this was the best grocery shopping experience I’ve had in my life. Trader Joe’s has changed the game for me. If they ever need an assortment of athletic black guys to play on their community basketball team, I’ll be the first one there. Organic alley-oops all muddafuggin day.
Trader Joe Won’t Bring Me On A Boat Though,
I snorted, twice, while reading this and I only snort while laughing when something is REALLY funny.
You actually make me want to find the nearest TJ to me, I’m sure there’s one around here b/c my students’ parents were always bringing their organic snacks in TJ bags.
Good post, I’m sure Couchneesha might get jealous if you spend too much time in TJ’s and less time on her (pun intended) lol
*googles the nearest TJ to me*
Couchneesha would rather a healthy me lay on her occasionally than a sloppy me all the time. lol
This definitely reminded me of the first time I went to the huge Whole Foods on 14th street in Manhattan. My sentiments exactly. Where had it been all my life and why would anyone purchase groceries anywhere else?! Actual fresh produce. Milk so fresh I swore I heard mooing behind the refrigerator. This can't be life. And it's NOT for many people who live near and have no choice but to frequent the sub-par supermarkets that are in my neighborhood. *sigh* Anyway, great post. Glad you found your supermarket oasis. I go once a month but have never tried Trader Joe's. You might have just sold me.
Nice
My insides hurt from laughing. It’s the big one Elizabeth!
My insides hurt from laughing. It’s the big one Elizabeth!
Great post!! I too was at Trader Joe’s yesterday eve, (turbinado raw cane sugar, mediterranean pasta salad, sugar snap peas (addicted!!!), couple noodle bowls, lemons, mozzarella, whole wheat tortillas (handmade!) Yes, yes. Welcome Mr. Jackson. There is no turning back now. I frickin love that place. FYI. If you’re in the market for wine. Trader Joe’s Wine Shop on 14th is pretty damn good and pretty damn cheap.
You shouldn’t have told me the part about wine. I work in that area and have put it on my planner to go there.lol
LOL. My bad! There is also a Trader Joe's next door but of course my FAV is the one on 72nd! Waiting for your review on the wine shop
I keke’d at this post. I felt the same way when I discovered the wonders of TJ. They gave me a free dessert the first time I went.
Yaay! I love Trader Joes This was a sweet post!
Like @twitter-18605640:disqus said the wine is AWESOME. They have 2 Buck Chuck that is actually better than most wines. Its should be $1.99 some states its $2.99
They actually have really tasty frozen foods as well for those I don't want to cook days (with not all those damn preservatives)
Their 5 layer dip with whole wheat tortilla chips is LOVELY!
The Whole Foods Homemade Tortilla Chips are HEAVEN! I know they can’t be good for you, but LAWD do they taste like free money and weight loss! Mmmm
LOL at this post.
glad you enjoyed your Trader Joe's experience so much. i enjoyed reading about it.
every Trader Joe's is like that, too. i went yesterday as well (with my handy TJ tote) and one of the happy white guys that works there literally greets 60% of the customers by name. myself included. it's awesome.
i may have to move close to wherever that is instead of Brooklyn. lol.
No worries my Sister! There is a TJ’s in BK. It’s at Court Street and Atlantic Ave. Though I must say the one on 72nd is my fav. Happy Shopping
I chuckled more than twice at this post. I was right there with ya…TJ’s is my oasis. Their fruity icy’s are so addictive. I never cared for grocery shopping until TJ’s came along.
This us definitely the antithesis of the harlem/ pathmark experience. I’m going to have to make the trek to trader joes.
Yeah, you need to just head down to 72nd Street. it’ll be worth your time.
This is hilarious!
This is the stuff that dreams are made of.
haha I love that “end of line” sign. LOL. The person holding it is always so happy, its pretty funny. I knew you would enjoy the experience…now you have to try their wine shop at union square. Awesome prices and great wine… its very small, many times the line to come in is outside and around the corner.
Loved this post, my co-workers are wondering what I am laughing at.
I'm happy you took the suggestion and hopped in a cab instead of
hardening your arteries with questionable bodega cheesesteaks. "That's what friends are for…"
Dude I remember the first time I went to a Trader Joe's with a co-worker in Boston. Glorious! For those that think Slim's exaggerating, it really is an eye-opening experience that'll change the way you look at other grocery stores.
Sure I grew up with Key Food, but eff that. I like my vegetables like I like my women – good looking, firm and edible.
Which reminds me, I gotta finally hit the Trader Joe's that's near my current gig.
I love this post. I’m all about organic whole foods. I live in Dutch Country, PA so there’s an abundance of local fresh everything. What we lack are authentic multicultural cuisine which I’m sure Harlem has plenty of. So take the good with the (greasy) bad & keep shopping at TJ..
This post just made my heart smile. I could feel your excitement. Personally, grocery shopping is the best form of shopping. Now I’m mad there isn’t a TJ in Queens, another reason I need to find a job ASAP
This post just made my heart smile. I could feel your excitement. Personally, grocery shopping is the best form of shopping. Now I’m mad there isn’t a TJ in Queens, another reason I need to find a job ASAP
This post just made my heart smile. I could feel your excitement. Personally, grocery shopping is the best form of shopping. Now I’m mad there isn’t a TJ in Queens, another reason I need to find a job ASAP
I thought of this post as I was taking a lunch time stroll through my local TJ’s. I hear that people are losing weight just by going to better grocery stores and hitting up the local farmers markets and dutch markets.
Because healthy food is so expensive you can’t afford to overeat!Naw. Not less food. Less pesticides.
Who knew a post on groceries could be so hilarious? I don’t know whether I’d take full advantage, but I almost wish there’d be one around my next spot.
Awww, I feel so happy for you and sad for NYers all at once. Grocery shopping is the shizz, glad you found an oasis in the food desert.
Your first pic stirred up the OCD in me! *shudders*
We just got a Trader Joe’s here too, but I love me some HyVee. Still, I will check it out based on all the glowing reviews on this site today! Trader Joe’s should be sending you a free dessert or some coupons or SOMETHING! Or how about a free parking pass? I’m still reeling over that $25 nonsense!
and I’ve obviously seen too many XX pics because you can’t TELL me that upon a quick glance, pic #3 is reminiscent of a much tastier thing you can put in your mouthyou’ll soon be a trader joe’s junkie…. next time pick up the corn chile salsa.. but chill it first!
Literally LOL! THIS!
Post is hilarious & You are just so entertaining:):) It’s why I come to this site.
Easy
I sure does appreciate that. You take care now ya here!
Hahaha! This reminds me of my first visit to TJ. I had a good time there too despite the white guy with dreds. I told my cousin how happy all the people in there were and she hypothesized that they're all regulated by the good food. She may be right.
Why in the devil's hell is this your FUNNIEST post ever?!?!?!?!?!?!
I DIED reading this post, because this was my exact experience the first time i hit TJ. Once, I went all in and even paid for the delivery (though up by us delivery is insanely expensive. I figured a cab would cost me the same, and the cabbie wouldnt bring the bags to the door so… yeah).
So now, i hit a 2-bag max and hop on the 3 train after work. TJ is good times. You never lied about that line. It's always long but it's always quick. #temporarystop but if the line is long enough, they give out chocolate for the "inconvienence."
I ran into Pathmark last Saturday for some thyme (sometimes i try to get nice in the kitchen) and was reminded why I never go in there again. Viva la Trader Joe!
lmao at #temporarystop. I missed that the first time I read this comment.