You never know what people are capable of.
I’ve been saying this over and over since I got the news that a guy I went to school with took his girlfriend’s life. To make an awful situation worse, it surfaced that he brought her body to a park and set it on fire before eventually killing himself. He, somebody that I know in real life and have had cordial conversations with over the years, brought his girlfriend’s body to a state park and set it on fire before eventually taking his own life with a loaded gun. And as many times as I’ve repeated these facts in my head, it hasn’t gotten any easier to digest. Some variation of the following has been on replay despite what my iPod has been telling me:
You selfish f*ck. Why didn’t you talk to somebody? Why would you put her and your families through this? You had such a large network of people that respected and cared about you. Did anybody notice he was acting differently? There had to be some signs. This can’t be real. This can’t be life. I knew this guy. I was cool with this guy. I went to school with this guy. This sounds like one of the tv shows I watch with a desensitized mind. This can’t be real. This can’t be life.
I went to his Facebook page hoping that this would turn out to be some sick joke. I prayed that this was some sick joke. My heart raced a bit as I typed in variations of his name until I was able to get to his page and confirm what I already knew, but didn’t wanna believe. My stomach turned like I was upside down on a roller coaster even though I was really just sitting at my desk staring at my screen. A friend then emails me a snippet of the raw emotion posted by a family member of the girlfriend:
I HOPE YOU BURN AND ROTT IN HELL U ASSHOLE, YOU TOOK MY CUZN FROM US U SELFISH MOTHERFUCKER, SHE WAS THE BEST U EVER HAD AND U REFUSED TO LET HER GO..
My heart ached and continues to ache for both families. With all the f*cked up things I’ve heard about over the years, nothing has ever hit this close to home. It’s unsettling to think that someone I used to dap up in college and chat with on instant messenger could be capable of something like this. It’s unsettling to know that this man had been living within 20 minutes of where I am now. It’s unsettling to know that something so egregious could happen so close to home involving someone that I thought was “normal.” Again, my heart aches for both families and the mutual friends that are feeling the impact of this beyond anything I could ever put into words.
As I write this heavy post, I can’t help but keep wondering if people had noticed he was heading to a bad place mentally? Were there signs that their relationship was becoming dangerously unhealthy? Someone must’ve noticed something but chose to take no action because they thought it wasn’t any of their business. This could’ve been avoided. That’s what I keep telling myself. That’s what we usually tell ourselves when it comes to fatal acts of violence before we return to apathy days later.
All the shoulda, coulda, wouldas in the world aren’t gonna bring either of them back, but hopefully this tragedy will bring to the forefront the issues of mental and emotional health awareness. Hopefully, it’ll remind us of the value of our support networks and the importance of checking in with friends and loved ones if even to just say hello and how are ya? Hopefully, it’ll remind us that sometimes someone else’s relationship is our business. Because honestly, if the relationship isn’t healthy then the people in it probably aren’t healthy either.
Regardless, my prayers are with both families. This will be a sad week for a lot of people. My call to action for everybody reading this is to call to at least 1 person you haven’t spoken to in a while to say hey and see how they’re doing. Try repeating that every week with a different person. I know I plan on doing the same. You never know when you might save a life.
Respectfully,
This situation right here is beyond crazy. When it hits home like this, you just got to sit back and think. One thing I always say to people is, if someone is your friend, get to know them. Sometimes as men, we pop shit with a cat, but we don’t really get to know them. How they think, and how’s family and relationships. That stuff may seem soft, but you should know your friends well, that way we can say the things that we may feel uncomfortable saying. I wish both families the best going forward, this will be hard to recover from.
This is an incredibly sad & unfortunate situation. This actually happened to a friend of mine no more than 30 days ago. Her boyfriend showed up at the daycare where she dropped their kids off, shot her, walked down the street, and shot himself. I don't know if there was something someone could do to change what happened but I do know those events changed me. No longer can I look the other way when one of my friends is down or blow off the emotions of others simply because I don't understand them. Sadly this is happening more often nowadays. Maybe it's a sign of the times or maybe we as a people are just selfish. I don't know but I'm praying for all the families involved. The healing process is a rough one.
This same situation happened to my Aunt. Although she was not in a relationship with the guy who decided to take her life. She died three years before I was born. Her three year old son suffered a lot growing up without a mother, and our family was so hurt that her name is rarely mentioned– it brings up to many painful memories. I was robbed of the chance to know my only Aunt. Reading stories like this and thinking of my own family makes me sad because I know that their pain has just begun. The hurt and emotions will never go away. They may still see the affect of her death years later. And yet, this man did not have the courage to even face up to what he did. Her family will never see justice.
As was the case with my Aunt, and what I assume to be the case here, the mental stability of the killer was probably very shaky. I hope this is another reminder that we need to be conscious of the mental state of people who are around us. If you hear/see/feel something, say something.
Both families are in my prayers.
Wow. I think a lot of times we see things that are off with people and chock it up to a bad day or something that will just go away but often it’s deeper. Often we (non-professionals) can’t really help them get down to the problem and discover a solution- but we know how taboo therapy is.
Working in domestic violence this summer I see a lot of guys (and occasionally women) who lead perfect lives. Some just snap one day and now I’m given the responsibility of tearing up their entire lives on trial. Others have been slowly building up to out of the public eye. They yell and curse at their girlfriend the first week. Then the smack her once. Then it becomes a monthly, weekly, daily thing until he’s running her over in an alley (true story). Sometimes people know and say “it’s not my business” and that’s what frustrates me the most. There needs to be much more done to help victims get out sooner and abusers to get help sooner.
Your words here express a lot of my sentiments. When I heard the news today about homie, I wondered if he had some mental illness or unresolved issues or what was going on. Being a high school teacher now, I wonder these same thoughts about some of my students. My thinking is that you never know who you can help out with a kind word, and when I remember to do so, I try to offer one or two.
Apparently he had taken 2 weeks off of all social media which raised flags among his close friends.
I’m still trying to digest it as well, but there are no answers really. I hope it moves us to reach out to someone who might need it. That’s the only silver lining, imo.
Good luck digesting the news. I know my mind is racing and I won’t sleep well.
There are few to no comforting words that someone can say in this situation. However, I think that part of your post is sooo improtant to emphasize. I know in many minority communities and to a certain degree the larger global community does not really believe in mental health assistance. It is important that we break the stigma associated with mental health diagnoses, therapy and all the other assistance available to all of us. I agree reach out to your support system and PLEASE consider seeking professional help because some issues need professional attention. We need to have more open dialogues about mental health and its effects on our people, especially in the black community.
Slim, as someone who knows exactly who you're talking about, I felt like you were speaking for me in every word of this post. Weirdly, of all the emotions I've felt today (heartache, rage, confusion, etc.), for some reason I feel somewhat guilty as well.
Not that there was anything I could do to stop it, but I was one of those people that saw big, blinking warning signs. In retrospect, it makes me ask "what if?". It's disconcerting enough that I'm having trouble getting to sleep now.
In the end, my heart goes out to the families involved, and I can only hope that the woman that lost her life can now finally be at peace. Its hard enough to lose a daughter/sister without the added grief of her life being ended so tragically.
I have no spoken to this man for quite some time. However, I don’t know if I feel good giving him the excuse of being mentally unbalanced. I think its more likely, from what I can remember, he just couldn’t take the L and let his emotions turn him into a monster.
Judging by the comment left on his facebook page, I would say this man had an ego problem. A lot of people who know him better than me would say similar. Sad day, I went from mourning his life, to finding out what happened, to be completely disgusted by what happened. His life was his life… but that poor poor girl. I even think about what he put her through ….
My condolences go out to you and everybody touched by this tragedy.
When I was a teen, a lifelong friend of mine shot himself in the chest over a girl. Just awful. And you’re right. You wonder if there’s something you could’ve said or done to let them know how much they’re cared for. When people do stuff like this, there’s no doubt for me that they’re troubled and in the wake of such an event the rest of us feel a little troubled too.
THIS > “Because honestly, if the relationship isn’t healthy then the people in it probably aren’t healthy either.”
wow!!! I have no words
Thank you so much for airing what is the emotional response of so many that knew of him. Although I would not claim to be close to him, it is such an unfortunate and sad state of affairs. I had such delayed reaction to the news and went through different cycles of sadness, frustration, confusion — all in one day. What truly hit home about your post is the encouragement to reach out to others. Even if you think all is well with them, find the time to connect with those that you deem are close to you. Sometimes I am so cooped up in my affairs that I forget that others may need my help, encouragement, etc.
This is disgusting. My heart goes out to this poor girl’s family and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I know we all joke about women stalkers and crazy women who can’t take a no, etc but the unhealthy fixations that some men have for women is scary, real and a huge problem. I heard on the radio that there are more animal shelters than there are women’s shelters and 1 out of 4 women have been abused by a man. Sad thing is, I’ve tried to help friends who I know are being abused and they find reasons to stay. The mind control that men can have over women is so damaging sometimes. Plus, for me another bigger issue is people not confronting friends/family members who they know are abusive or out of control. We have alot of psychotic people walking around un-diagnosed and not getting help because no one around them confronts it head on. Everytime I read tragic stories like this, there’s always people that come forward showing a list of weird behaviors the person did before the incident. These people give signs so why don’t we check them better? I dunno, I’m ranting because I’m upset. I like that “village” mentality where we bypass pc’ness and be more real with each other. That’s the only thing that can lead to growth/change for me.
I love your call to action btw. That’s a good one.
When you first mentioned this on Twitter, it immediately brought me back to a couple of years ago when a guy, who I went to grade school and high school with, father shot and killed his wife then killed himself. My heart went out to the their son because he was the only child and this happened about 2 months before his college graduation. The whole thing shook up my hometown because they were very involved in the community. I give kudos to the son because although this tragedy happened while he was away at school he eventually pulled through and is now running his own clothing company.
These situations are so hard to handle because you never know who is going through their own personal struggles.
Great post. I went through something similar my sophomore year in college. Someone I knew very well from high school murdered his ex-girlfriend (and child's mother) in front her family. Their daughter was about 2 or 3 at the time. When he was caught, he attempted suicide and survived but a couple of years later committed suicide from his jail cell. This is the kind of thing that you never really get over because there will always be so many unanswered questions. The only solution is to pray about it, pray for the family, and know that the situation will be handled by a much higher power.
I keep remembering seeing this kid smiling and being silly and fun. And then to think of how he ended up In such emotional and psychological turmoil. It confuses me, angers me, and saddens me all at once. All I can do is pray for their families and friends as they deal with this complex tradegy.
Great post. About 8 years ago, my cousin was killed by her ex-boyfriend. She has finally gotten away from him, he had treated her poorly, and she was moving on with her life. I remember exactly how I felt when I got the call at my office, and my sister told me what happened. I knew this guy, and he was a dog, but I didn’t know he was a killer. The life lesson I took from that – take ALL threats seriously. He’d told people in the weeks leading to her death that he was going to kill her. I guess those people didn’t really believe him, and didn’t believe that he would do it. My cousin had two children, one of which was his, and the to the other he was the only father she had really known. He then went to a relatives house, and called his daughter with my cousin (who had to be about 5 at the time), and told her that he’d killed her mother, and he waited for the police. Damn. Now, I don’t let anyone play with that “I’d kill you if you left me” sh*t. I take ALL threats seriously. And women, you should too. This man ruined many lives – the children who now are living without a mother, his son, and all of the family and friends who were affected and remain affected by his actions. When people tell you or show you who they are, believe them.
Thank you for this.
“You never know what people are capable of.” One of the truest statements ever made and one of the reasons that getting into any kind of relationship can by scary. I worked with a woman once who seemed like the sweetest person. She was soft-spoken, always smiled and had a kind word for anyone going through a rough patch in life or just having a bad day. One day she went out to lunch and never came back. There had been a few incidents in the garage attached to our building, so everyone was really worried that something may have happened to her. At 11 that night, her picture was on the news and I popped up off the couch. Turns out she had been arrested for trying to hire a hitman to murder her boyfriend! Talk about being shocked. You just don’t know what people are going through in their daily lives–we’ve become really good at masking our emotions which as we have learned here can be detrimental to the ones we claim to love and ourselves. Prayers and condolences to the families of this young woman and young man.
Hi Slim, I Tweeted to you yesterday about something similar that happened about 10 years ago with a guy I grew up with. He was having issues with his estranged wife. They had just had a baby girl but there was enough tension to warrant her to get a restraining order against him. One day he showed up at their apartment. She let him in so he could see their 2 month old baby. She called the cops. When they showed up the baby was not in her crib and the window was open. He basically told her “I had to hurt you somehow”. Ugh. this was so bad that even cops that had been on the force for years couldn’t contain their emotions.
I read the story and it shocked me on the level as a parent and as a friend to this young man. When we were in middle school together, he was the sweetest boy. Always had a smile on his face and lots of girls crushed on him. I lost track of him after 8th grade graduation. But seeing his mug shot and what he did was so hard to reconcile with the memories I had of him as a young boy. Sad..very sad. As a parent, you cannot fathom how someone would hate their spouse so much as to kill their own child. I still cry a little to this day when I think of it.
It's easy to say a woman who is also unhealthy relationship is also unhealthy, but from my work with domestic violence the threats of violence and then actual violence get worse once a woman leaves or cuts contact. People don't show their crazy right away. And getting away from that crazy can cost women their lives.
One of my former students killed his pregnant girlfriend a couple of months ago and when I saw it on the news it freaked me out because he didn’t ‘seem’ like that kind of child. I agree with the idea of checking up randomly on people because you never know what someone is going through. Slim, you can not burden the weight of what if—it will trouble your spirit. Prayers go out to both families in this really hard time.
It is always sad for the families of the individuals who are directed effected by losing their loved one but it is also sad that many people do not take the time to say “If you need someone to talk to come to me”. This happened to 4 young students in NC where a young man took the lives of 3 of his female friends and then turned the gun on his self. The students families and every person they know or have encountered has been effected in someway. Young people now a days do not always have the tools and the outlets to be able to handle some of the things that life hands them.
My thoughts and prayers to the families and to you as well Slim. Thanks for this post an I definitely will take the time to make some calls today.
I'm actually at my desk crying right now. Years ago I was in this woman's shoes and it took a family intervention with male cousins, weapons and the cops to finally end it all. My family, my neighbors and some of my friends knew what was going on but I was too scared to leave. Of course it got worse over time and I lost friends and the respect of some family members because they couldn't understand why I would not leave. When I finally told the whole story and said I was ready to go, folks came out the woodwork to remove him from my life. My cousin got a cell in her name that only certain people had the number to, a very helpful cop gave me his personal cell number to call if in need, a retired family member babysat my daughter, brothers, cousins and friends escorted me to and from home and for a few weeks in the beginning my boss let me work from home. It was truly a "village" effort that not only saved my life but helped me understand my worth as a woman. I don't know what I would have done without them but it started with me reaching out and asking for help. I'm sure there were days some friends/family would have rather hit Happy Hour after work than meet me at the train station, but I'm still here thanks to their decision. None of them gave up on me. None of them let me feel as though I were alone. None of them stopped reaching out to let me know they were there for me and ALL of them have my love and respect to this day. The ex….. lets just say he got a VERY clear message to stay the hell away from me as long as he wanted to continue breathing! Point is, I know my communication alerted folks that something wasn't right and I strongly believe that because he was made aware that I had folks with weaponry a short distance away, he decided that killing me wasn't worth it. My prayers go out to women who endure this sort of pain and the folks in their lives who turn a blind eye thinking its not their problem. It is your problem! It is all of our problem if we continue to lose and mourn family due to senseless violence that could have been avoided!!!You can decide to help save a life by minding someone else's business for a short time or mourn a missing family member for the rest of your life. DO NOT be afraid to let people know you are there to help, even if your friend/family member is the abuser and not the victim. Lots of times the abusers started out as victims and are in so much pain because no one helped them when they needed it!!!
The damning thing about mental issues/illness is that they are very easy to ignore and hide. That's generally. The black community doesn't make it any easier to detect them because of how quickly we dismiss signs of "crazy" as "just crazy" and thus somehow not needing our attention because "crazy" goes away. It's a problem that I think we're BEGINNING to care about, but not fast enough for my taste.
The other issue here is that a relationship was in play. One other thing we don't do is get in people's business. We accept things that are beyond acceptable in our friends' relationships because that's "none of our business" and I have no idea where that line is, and further I have to be honest and say that even though I've had several friends in dangerous relationships, I've never really fought to get them to safety. That is, I've offered my help, but never done much more… which is pseudo-tragic because we all know it's rare that people in those situations take help the first time it's offered. I've been blessed that none of those situations ended tragically.
I feel for you Slim, because I know this is a lot to take in and obviously for both families. Tragedies that are/were avoidable are the worst in a lot of ways. It's hard not to play the what-if game infinitely.
This post and the comments have me near tears. The issue of domestic violence has always lingered in my life in some way or another. From my mom, to friends, to myself. In most of these cases, there were early signs. Some were subtle, some not so subtle, but there are always instances when you look back and can instantly recall times when something that person said or did plainly foreshadowed what they were capable of. It's important to take nothing as an idle threat, especially from a man. I volunteered at an abuse shelter for a year and during that time three women that had once come there were killed by the spouse who claimed to love them so much. Three. And that's in addition to all the horrid acts done short of death to other women and their children that were there.
It's sad because a lot of these cases could have been avoided, but they were too scared to leave. The psychological effects of abuse can be just as scarring as the physical, and sometimes even more so, because it makes a victim too afraid to leave or seek help in fear of their life. It takes a lot of support and mental rehabilitation for someone to truly be able to leave for good.
This story is so unfortunate and it's just far too common. My heart goes out to her family as well as his. And I agree with Dr. J, I think it would do good for men to speak to other men about issues of family, relationships, and the like. Most take a hands off approach and assume it none of their business, but a heart to heart and a dose of common sense and "it's not worth it, man" might just be the tug that pulls them off the ledge.
I am a co-worker of one of Jasmine's family members, Your post is thought provoking and sad. The effects of anothers actions can be devastating to a family. More importantly – we need to trust our guts when it comes to people. Sometimes littles signs of people's real personalities arise and we shrug it off. God bless Jasmine and I hope that bullet sent him to hell where he belongs.
So sad. I don’t know these young people, but I am not that shocked. I’ve lived in NC for 4 years, and every year seems to be the year of the crazy man, who kills his wife, gf, or child, and then kills himself. Just last month, and young man killed his own baby, and then killed himself because his ex didn’t want to get back together. Right now, a man is on trial for killing his wife, and last month, another man was convicted for killing his wife. Back in 2008, Fort Bragg seemed to have a wife/gf beating or killing every other month. And I’m sure its like this in a lot of other states.
What upsets me the most about this is that we as women are not prepared to defend our lives, and the lives of our children, by any means necessary. In most cases, its not enough to just leave an abusive relationship. We have to be on the defensive. A wise person once said, when a person shows you who they are, believe them. If your partner threatens your life, or hte life of your child, believe them, and be prepared to do what’s necessary. Women have to love themselves enough to want to protect themselves from these men who wish to them physical harm. The days of the damsels in distress are over.
Another thing, we have to be better friends, better family members. Be nosy, know what’s going on in your friends life. And ask the hard questions. We have to actively love our family and friends.
I’m saddened by this. I’m upset I’m angry. Two lives gone. Two families mourning…
Damn, you’re so right about people’s relationships sometimes being our business. The thing about signs are, it seems like most people’s crazy buttons are activated for different reasons and it’s not easy to tell if there was any foreshadowing that are SURE signs someone is about to go cuckoo. And if so, how can an outsider really interfere?
I heard about this story in NY, being in Latin America right now. It is crazy when it hits so close to home. For me, it was the story of a young couple from Jersey who got robbed and killed on their way home from their engagement party a year ago. Lives are taken, in the blink of an eye…the alternatives can repeatedly play in our heads.This was a great reminder- a call to action. I’ve been saying that for some time now, but have hardly been acting enough.
Thanks.
Thanks for dropping in and commenting. I know the story you’re talking about from last year. That impacted a lot of people as well. recklessness.
Typical conceited self involved pseudo ‘intellectual’ making a situation about how you feel. You weren’t the one burned and killed were ya? Some dude you went to school with, cool – not a friend, or family member of yours, or someone you even kept in touch with. What does this situation have to do with …you? at all?
You sound bitter. The fact that you could take a post like this and find a way to make an insulting comment is sad. You got a reply from me. I hope your life is complete now. And if not, I hope you’re in NYC. I’d love to meet up for coffee so you can tell me all about myself.