You won’t see my picture on YellowBellyNegro.com, but I’ve come to learn what fear looks and feels like. I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing. We all know fear on some level. If you don’t know fear, you’re probably a psychopath. I’m not even gonna sugarcoat that. If you like aggressively “toying with” animals, you are absolutely f*cking nuts. Get off my blog and stay away from my family ya f*ckin Criminal Ass Mind. I paid Shemar Moore to tackle you while I eat strawberries dipped in chocolate and fed to me by a combination of light and dark-skinned chicks with both natural hair and perms and varying body types. Yo ass is in a black escalade now with cuffs and a face mask on. Hannibal ass negro. By the way, I was not watching Shemar tackle you. That was for the chicks.
But real talk (No Yellow Stream Kelly), as I’ve been going through this process of getting my life straightened out and developing this “business idea” I have, I been learning more about how I feel when I venture into unchartered territory. I get a little uneasy. I think about all the possibilities. I’m risk-adversed so everything involves a lot more thought than it probably needs, but it is what it is. And with this project, the thought of publicly failing at something I’ve semi-announced to the world makes me feel some type of way. Failing is part of life, but doing it in front of people that could anonymous tear me down makes it a bit more daunting.
The crazy part about this is that it’s a fear of success. Yeah, I mentioned failing but I’m so convinced in my mind that I’m on to something that I’ve already started thinking about what’ll happen if it pops off the way I want and expect it to. What happens when the only way to succeed is to take time off from work to go to places and events that wouldn’t have crossed my mind a year ago? What happens if I end up on the cover of some sh*t in a suit with arms folded and a photoshop job on my face? Let’s be honest, ain’t no magazine trying to have someone in there lookin’ smedium unless it’s a smear story. I don’t wanna be smedium. I wanna induce moisture and showers for those that don’t have the same parts as me. I want my girl (or wife) to slap herself in the forehead when she haphazardly wonders if she could do better. What man doesn’t?
It’s also something crazy to have a bunch of people cheering you on and telling you greatness is on the horizon when you think you have so far to go. They see something that you don’t. Doesn’t matter if it’s insecurity or just plain modesty. Maybe it’s just the nice guy in me. Pause.
All I can say is that I’m trying to embrace this fear. There are a lot of people that will never have the opportunities I have and I recognize that. Though my dad is watching from above, I’ll never be able to see him watching what I become…whatever that may be. I’ll never get the chance to sit down with him and say thanks for investing and believing. But in the meantime, I’m gonna keep investing my time and efforts into what it is I have going on. There will be setbacks along the way, but at the end of it all I just see myself being great. Why wouldn’t I? You should do the same…for you not me.