G-Funk on Gchat: How’s everything going?
Me: A lot in flux. Trying to get organized. Realized I been trying to do wayy too much and not sure if they’re the right things. But I can’t complain.
G-Funk on Gchat: I feel like you’re always saying that. Stuff you’re doing and not being sure if they’re the right things.
Me: Yeah. I do say that a lot, don’t I? Damn…
Much of what’s on my mind right now isn’t just because I’ve been going through the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It’s because there’s still a lot to accomplish.
I’m sure you’re trying to figure out some things right now too. And as you know, with each answer comes a new question, a new idea, and a new road to go down. Somewhere in the last 90 days, you were most likely in a tizzy over something you’ve since solved or you’re still looking for the answer to. It’s hard not to get to that point when you see everything going on around you and it feels as if time is passing you by.
When I check Facebook, I see new engagements, marriages, and congratulations. I see people clearing bar exams, living out their dreams, and hitting major milestones. I see some folks welcoming new life into the world while others are mourning a loved one’s exit.
I’ve come to know death well over the last ten years. I don’t have a grandparent to visit or a dad to talk to about sports anymore. Family and friends of friends have moved on to something you and I both dread and never want to prepare for. Yet we know we have to make the best of things while we’re here. We want those that have passed on to be able to look down and smile at what we’re achieving. We want them to see how we’re applying the lessons they taught us before their departure.
You might think I’m crazy, but I’m pretty sure I have a cheering section on a cloud somewhere. And though their voices are mute, I can imagine them watching me like their favorite tv show. I can hear them collectively encouraging me to keep doing what I think is right.
The struggle for me is when there are tens of thousands of rights, how do you pick the right ones?
I have wisdom. I have success stories. I have failures. I struggle with direction.
If you read the post I wrote titled Beginning at the End: How Do You want to Be Remembered, you know that I’ve had several realizations as of recent. I’ve learned there are things far greater than winning a Black Weblog Award or building a supportive following. There’s more to life than getting a “sexy” job I can wake up and feel good about. I’ve accomplished both these things, yet I can’t help but keep asking “what’s next” even as I’m continuously clearing hurdles.
Let me put this in a slightly more vivid context. Try to follow me here…
You see one big timeline or news stream with other people’s lives flying by. You look at yours and it feels like you barely have one update per day or week. You take a step back and try to ignore it, but can’t help but to take a peek to the left and the right before looking at the mirror to get a peek at yourself.
You feel anxious as you think back to the beginning of your “grown” timeline and all the things you said you would accomplish. You look at that list and then where you are today. You’ve probably checked off less of the boxes than you’d like to admit. Or, you’ve realized that some of the boxes should’ve never been there in the first place. But, you know you should be happy to have the life you have today because there are people that would love to have what you have regardless of how little or how much that may be. And besides, you never question what God has given you.
“Be grateful.”
The words of a reverend, elder, mother, father, brother, sister, or friend. And you are grateful, but you still don’t feel that you’ve accomplished enough of the right things. That’s the crisis. That’s the basis of this post. That’s the point that I’m at today. The point where you know what you’re good at, where your talents are best used, but you’re not in the best place to use them and need more help than you thought getting there. And when I say place, I don’t mean one particular location or a blog niche. I mean the combination of everything that’s happened before today, what’s happening to your left and right, and what’s in front of you.
I look to the left and see poverty alleviation and progress as an HR professional. I look to the right and see relationship and life improvement blogging…plus other stuff. I see collaborations, appearances, and challenges that start in my peripheral and progress to my direct line of sight as I take a step forward. I see new ideas that start close and get further away. I’m hesitant to chase after any of them because I’m unsure if I’ll follow them down a path that will turn out to be a waste of time.
People tell me I’ve done well. I say “Yes, I have. But I need to do more. Maybe I’ve done just the right amount? Nah, I can never just be satisfied. What’s next?”
I be feeling like this sometimes.
And it’s this circuitous mode of thought that contributes to the crux of the matter. As I’ve had to learn and tell myself on several occasions: accept where you are today and take things 1 day at a time. I’ve also realized that it doesn’t hurt to have some guidance from someone that’s been on the same timeline and gotten to the general vicinity of where you wanna go. I’ve started to think about getting a mentor.
Sometimes when you’re having trouble guiding yourself, you need someone a bit more wise to help you get where you need to go. The first step is to think of the people in your life that you’d consider successful. The second is to figure out how you can approach them for continued guidance and support. The third is to ask. The fourth is to progress. It doesn’t matter whether you end up with your first choice for a mentor or not, you’re still progressing. And when you feel like you’re progressing, a lot of the other worries start to drift into your peripheral and out of sight.
And out of sight out of mind doesn’t always mean avoidance.
1. How do you pick the right rights?
2. Do you have a mentor today? If yes, how did you find one and often are you in contact? If no, is it something you’re considering? If not, why not?
With a twinkle in the eye,
¹Yes, I made up a word to play on a word.
P.S. Check out my latest post on UPTOWN Magazine online. This one is titled 3 Signs You’re an Over-Analyzer and How to Break the Habit.
You should put all ya “rights” in a hat, shake it up and pick one..and put 100% work into that one..I mean its a “right” so you really cant go wrong right?
I think I’ve done that.lol. That’s why this post came about. I’m not sure if I’ve went wrong, but I’ve went right back to where I started a few times.
You know what it could be, maybe its possible you need a break..just a break from everything, thoughts included!
I can remember at the ripe young age of 19 I had all of these plans for world domination..lol I’ve actually gone down the list and checked off some of those items..at 30, I was exhausted..and was well due for a break from life…2 years later and I’m still on my break..its a season to me and im enjoying it for now..
sounds like you’re going thru the quarter life crisis. I don’t have many suggestions, and I don’t have a mentor. But my best idea to get one is to continue to network in the arena of your choice (once you decide what that is) and ask someone for help. then get to work.
I’m pretty happy with my life as it is, actually very. I respect people that are so about the grind, have to do this and I have to do that–but if you’re running around like a chicken with your head cut off are you really enjoying what you’re doing? is it really fruitful and beneficial to your life? Money isn’t every thing and neither is fame/notoriety. I guess everyone has to decide individually what that right way is for them, and if you mess up then just choose another way. and keep doing that until its our time to go. but ENJOY yourself along the way.
**Lifts cup of k-cup coffee**
Cheers to that last part. I originally wrote something in this post calling it “the i’m almost 30″ crisis, then changed it on final review based on the gchat convo I had that opens it. Well, that and I’m still not trying to acknowledge Father Time.lol.
You should enjoy yourself along the way by doing.striving for what it is you ultimately want to do. Everybody needs breaks from the hustle too, but the stress of the hustle should be a good stress that keeps you going.
This post speaks to me on so many levels it’s scary. Basically my mind spins constantly with thoughts like these.
One day, over a year ago, I woke up and realized that I had basically checked off everything on my life list… I was 30 years old. Instant panic set in… like how is this possible!? And then I realized I hadn’t set new goals in such a long time, I found myself without a set of goals for the first time in my life. And now? I am having an extremely hard time setting up the next phase of my life. Partly because there are so many “rights” and partly because the end of my marriage changed everything that I thought I knew about the world…. I find myself saying more and more “why plan at all, you never know what will happen.” But that’s not me… just a place I’m in.
I make one decision at a time. I just quit my job and decided to move home to regroup. How did I choose that “right?” It gave me an extreme sense of peace. Yes, fear, and worry, and a bunch of other things, too… but mainly peace of mind. Like I need people who love me around me as I try to figure out my next steps. And I believe in going back to the beginning when you feel lost and don’t know what to do (which is how I felt).
As for mentors… I have one. And she is phenomenal. She has become my best friend in this lifetime and I can’t imagine where I’d be mentally if I hadn’t met her. I think physically (school, career, etc) I’d be in the same place, but mentally I don’t think I’d be halfway where I am now if I didn’t have her to engage with. I can not recommend the right mentor enough. Having someone who you trust enough to make a decision for you when you absolutely can not? Priceless. I’m not saying you turnover your life to them- but there have been moments of real crisis where I simply needed to be told to 1) breathe 2) do X 3) then Y and 4) we’ll talk out the rest later. It only works when you pick the right person.
Good luck on finding it Slim. And good luck on reigning in your sense of direction, on clarity, on progress.
I think there’s a post for your site in here somewhere.
I feel you stole this from my mind. Brain Ninjas strike again..
One thing I have been focusing on in my own path. Not anyone else’s. What you are experiencing now is part of YOUR journey. When we are focused on what other people are doing, we prevent ourselves from learning and growing fully from our present experience. Everything happens for a reason, even though that’s cliche. While I’m not where I want to be, I try to think of one thing I’m learning from my current situation that will help me when I get where I want to be.
lol at Brain Ninja.
Yeah, you’re right about the own path. it’s hard not to look at what’s happening around you when you aren’t completely sure. Nobody wants to be in a dark forest of uncertainty.
I go through this daily. Good job, own apartment, Masters Degree, I’m an aunt, a mother to a kitten. Yet I never ever feel complete. I feel like college has made me this way. It has made me dream so big that I’m almost scared I’ll never be 100% happy/content. Now where am I? applying for PhD programs because the sexy job is unfulfilling.
I hope I find the perfect mix sometimes soon. But as you say, I try to just take it one day at a time, and not forget life while I am sitting here living it.
Gurl.
And I’m trying extremely extremely hard NOT to apply to PhD programs out of boredom! It’s a struggle, for real.
The other struggle I have is that now that I’ve gotten the professional degree from one of the best schools in the nation, how the hell do I follow that up?! The pressure is unreal.
((hugs)) and good luck!
This post was so on time for me! I understand every word and feeling!
As for finding a mentor, I just made contact with someone yesterday and his assistant is going to send me some times that he would be available to meet with me. I’ve been dreaming of making this project happen for 4 years now. I gave myself 5 to get it going. And although the way I thought I would make it happen fell through, miserably, I am still determined. Your post confirmed for me that it’s time to get back in the saddle and get going!
Thanks!!!
What do you think has been the biggest impediment to getting the project started?
So you have been running around in my mind grabbing my thoughts and decided to put them into this blog
I’ve been feeling the same way and realized that I first needed to stop comparing my life to those around me. It’s the comparison that was causing me to question have I chosen the right rights. I felt like my family and friends were making progress and I wasn’t. I am now focused on my personal growth and journey. I am trusting my intuition and taking steps as guided. I was recently asked to describe my lifestyle and when I shared what I was doing, the feedback I received was “Wow, you are really doing what you want to do”. Sometimes it takes others to help us really see where we are. One reason I have been considering a mentor.
I’m like a dreamcatcher…but for thoughts.lol
I’m glad this post connected with you. Intuition is a beast. We know we should use more of it, but often struggle to trust it because of what may result. I’ve done the same thing.
Finding a mentor is essential for the Black professional male and female. I found one by sending a personalized email, followed up with a note on her desk, followed up with a phone call (funny enough, she’s the director of HR). She’s also busy as hell, so yea, all that follow-up was necessary.
Choosing a mentor is tough. Some people just want to mold you into a younger them, rather than valuing your unique strengths. I chose her because she has a knack for seeing through BS, thinks logically and is extremely honest. She’s also in her mid-forties and has had several careers. Our relationship is friendly, but she serves a different purpose. She’s also of color, but Puerto Rican. We have a shared experience of being a “minority” but she has a slightly different lens—which I love.
Most importantly, she said in a previous convo that she recognized some of her own traits in myself. I figured she’d be down with mentoring a capable, headstrong and completely confused young woman (for the record I don’t have any intention on running anybody’s HR– I just trust her perspective that much).
Good post. It spoke to me enough for me to comment for the first time
Thanks for joining the discussion and sharing the process of how you found a mentor! The follow up is definitely crucial. I’m going through that now. (Potential) Mentors, by nature of their success, are very busy people. And you’ll find that follow up is one of the things that got them where they are.
Slim,
I’ve had similar thoughts not too long ago. I can relate to seeing tokens of progress from the people around me. Reason why your progress tick marks, if you will, don’t line up with others is because you’re measured by a different metric. Cliche, I know. Though it’s always good to have this sort of reflection. The beauty of this post is that you placed your patterns and habits under a microscope. In my humble opinion, I think that’s something worthy calling a ‘right right.’ Regardless of how many times people say you have to have ‘tunnel vision’ when going down your path, it’s only part of the truth. We are not islands. We see things. We want this elusive concept of “progress” to manifest itself in some semi-tangible form at least. We want to be shown if the right as the right one by our own production of meaningful ticks marks. This is because our failures teach us about ourselves; and our successes teach others about ourselves. Legacy.
How do you pick the “right” right? Well, I try them all… Pick one (any many miny moe, no lie) and if it puts me on a path that’s leads me away from the “self” I want to become, then I backup and choose another one. Breadth-first search at its best. I think more than having our eyes on our overall goals, we should have an idea of the form we wish to become. There’s so many paths I could’ve taken to be equally “successful.” And I mean that in all it’s overused, vague glory. But the reward, for me, comes from knowing I’m inching closer to what I call my “greater self” and that path to my greater self IS my legacy.
Always with good insight no matter where you’re dropping a comment. I like what you’re saying about “greater self.” That’s what I’m learning from the 7 Habits.
I can of course relate…. For me, the right rights are the choices I have the courage to make and commit to, because ultimately those choices are right for me in the moment and I’ll never get anywhere without taking steps in the direction of my dreams/inspirations. I also choose to believe that there are no mistakes. So even if the choices I make prove to be difficult ground, I figure those are the lessons I needed to grow through to get to my next level. I’ve made choices that in time I’ve had to reconsider as I’ve gained more wisdom from walking the consequences of those choices. But real talk, all that hesitation and concern about making the “right” decision is just fear. I push myself every time I hear that inner dialogue get started when I question myself or hesitate to press on or make a choice.
As for mentors, I’ve had plenty over the years but tend to vibe better with more of a peer/collaborative type of cipher these days. It fosters creativity and innovation. I realize we’ve all be coached into believing that we need to find mentors on our desired career paths. When I had a more traditional path, that made sense. Now, not so much. Plus over time I suspect that true mentors will empower us to ride dolo with less contact as we grow into our selves.
Keep rockin!
“…. you still don’t feel that you’ve accomplished enough of the right things. That’s the crisis. That’s the basis of this post. That’s the point that I’m at today. The point where you know what you’re good at, where your talents are best used, but you’re not in the best place to use them and need more help than you thought getting there. ”
This is normal. I’m a fundraiser by day and the first rule of fundraising is to ask. But of course this implies you know what want…which it sounds like you do. So if you need more help…ask someone. They don’t have to be your mentor or even someone you know. An opportunity came up for me and the only reason why i knew about what because i looked up someone on linked in after reading a tweet. I sent dude a message, complete stranger, he replied and put me on to something that may change my entire life..or least the next 3-5 years of my life lol
How do you pick the rights?
Before I knew what I wanted, I was in to EVERYTHING, there was no rhythm, and most of all no fruit. I pick what’s right based in part on what I, or people around me, produce (or don’t produce). I also pick what’s right based on what I know I want for myself..they key like i said though is knowing. When i first moved to chicago from the east coast, i was hungry…all over the place searching for something i didn’t even know I wanted. Once i knew though, it was easy to give a strategic “no”.
Case in point, I want to be a foreign service officer. I have failed the test twice. Frustrated, I reached out to a complete stranger from twitter and now I’m applying to a fellowship that will put me in DC or NYC and I will pass that test the next time I take it. Everything I am doing today (my philanthropic work, my blogging, my paid job, even the people I chose to talk to etc), has to do with getting in to the State Department. In fact, I just turned down a fellowship in Houston. Great opp, more money, I’d be good at it–it’s “right” but not “Right”. For me to get to that goal, I’m willing to give up my comfortable and affordable 2 Bedroom pad here in Chicago for an overly priced studio in New York *sigh*
This opportunity in DC or NYC is about 7 years too late. I felt horrible for not knowing about it…even though I’ve accomplished a lot during my term here in Chicago. But my mom says, “God’s time is the best time”…and she says “No knowledge is lost knowledge”. I’m starting to believe it. 7 years ago, fresh out of college, there would have been no way for me to save up money to live in NYC or DC. Now, I got a gig that fortunately pays me enough to save AND pay off my debts so when i decide where to go, I’m financially stable.
I don’t have a mentor but I have a “Board of Directors”. Groups of people I have been blessed to know who encourage me, inspire me, and educate me…they also keeps it real. The Board is tapped when I’m confused or at a fork in the road. They coach me on men, jobs, blogging, family, my new discoveries of being a 30 year old woman (a blog in an of itself!)..so yea..all that you are thinking and feeling is normal.
Just keep moving. Keep dancing. You’ll find the beat you can rock to and when you do, you’ll be break dancing and freestyling lol.
I can truly relate to your post. I have been at this point since i finished college. I didn’t want to hop back in to school. Getting BS was tasking enough for me. However, I had found so many things that have filled my time, just to expand my horizons. I think about wanting to get my masters but I want a family much more, and I need to give my all in fulling that quest. Now career wise, I have been taking certification classes within my line of work. I met a guy, one of the managers at one of our corporate divisions. He is about my age, and we have really hit it off as far as a mentor/mentee relationship. It started off kinda informal, but now we have a lunch meeting every month to a month and a half. Also, he just gave me a book to read “More Time to Think” it is very good as far as learning to communicate with others. It has really given me direction as far as where i want to go. One of the things i tried to do is take a 360 feedback review. It was very enlightening.
Did you mean 360 degree feedback in life or in the work place?
for the workplace. It did give me some type of direction.
I will be 35 next month and I feel like I have accomplished NOTHING since I graduated from college. Yes, I have a wonderful teenager, but professionally, I feel like I have stalled, so I am going back to school to get my Master’s. I feel like my friends and peers have all gone on to do these awesome things and I have not done much, in comparison. I know I have to stop comparing my life to theirs, but it bothers the hell out of me that I am not where I wanted to be at this age and I see (probably imagined) all the chances and opprotunities that I skipped over or ignored and I want to kick myself. This is not where I wanted to be and its hard for me to not continuously beat myself up for where I am now and where I thought I should be. Does that make sense? I feel like I am having a delayed quarter life crisis.
Add to that a fear of success and a fear of failure, and its amazing that I get out of the bed each morning!! Praise Jesus.
Anyway, its good to know that its not all in my head and that I’m not the only one confused about making the right decision and choices. I think I just need to align myself with better people AND get on my own path and stop letting other’s successes point out my perceived failures.
What you said makes sense. I had similar ideas in mind when writing this post. It sounds like you know the answer to getting on the track you wanna be on, so now it’s a matter of taking the steps to better align, etc. Thanks for dropping in!
No, thank YOU, sir, for sharing your own thoughts.
*hugs and squeezes*