Listening is one of the most overlooked skills in existence. We often think we’re doing a great job of it, but don’t realize we’re losing points with someone without even knowing it. What points am I referring to here? I’m talking about trust points. Think of listening as a product or service and trust as the currency. When the trust is low, your opinion or ear isn’t as valuable. When the trust is high, the value of your opinion and what you have to say goes up.
People will think of you first when they have a problem the same way they have go-to products and services when they need solutions. Or at the very least, they won’t go through a period of hesitation before bringing an issue to the table. Think of this as being on the fence about a purchase, looking up better deals, then taking the business elsewhere because you realize that if you have to think about it, it probably isn’t a good idea. You don’t want people to think before speaking with you about something going on with them.
How quality is your ear and how valuable is your trust? Are you sure that you’re developing a reputation for reliability and a warranty free of fine-print loopholes?
Whether it be friends, family, or a significant other, there’s a good chance you’ve had to play the role of “the ear.” There’s at least one person that turns to you when they’re looking to solve a problem or need to vent. If nobody’ turning to you to discuss what’s going on in their life — however minute it may be — then the value of your trust is low…or you’re a hermit in a house on the prairie. I’m not gonna make that assumption, because I know you’re better than that. And assumption is something that’s a huge part of the problem.
We use our past experiences to predict the future even when we’re talking to a person that grew up under a completely different circumstances with their own unique DNA. What’s happened in our past subconsciously becomes our future fact even when it’s not about us. This buried mindset can cause us to lose one of the most valuable assets we have. I’ve got to once again thank the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People for this realization.
What’s our fact isn’t necessarily their fact. Our brains are wired to think in terms of our own past experiences even when we’re not the subkect. We get into a conversation, hear a few words, then immediately think to ourselves “I’ve seen this before. I know exact what I’m gonna say when they’re done.” At this point, as much as we’re appearing attentive and hearing every word they’ve said, we’ve made a decision to stop listening. We let them continue get to the end of their point so we can say what we’ve had on our mind as a solution for the last five or ten minutes.
On the surface, there’s nothing wrong with that. I have a bad memory sometimes, so it’s a struggle to remember every valid point I wanna make. But at the end of the day, if I feel that I’m right and spitting the purest of truth crack, does it even matter if he or she feels there’s no point in talking to me about the subject anymore? Particularly because I’ve conveyed I don’t know how to understand? It’s possible that I do. But because I’ve let him or her go on and on without acknowledging or rephrashing what they’ve said to show that I understand in my own terms, they feel that I failed at listening. He or she goes from looking for me to help, to feeling helpless. Anything I say from this point forward is moot and we’re right back at square one — maybe even negative one. I’ve lost points without even knowing.
You don't wanna be this.
Once someone feels that you’re not truly listening to them, you might as well be a fish out of water. It may not be to the point where they don’t tell you anything anymore. But, if it happens enough times, best believe they’ll start thinking more before they talk to you. And when it comes to relationships — romantic or otherwise — you don’t want someone important in your life to have to think before they speak to you about something important to them. You’ll get much more out of people by empathetically listening than you will by asking a predetermined or routine set of questions.
I can look back and say I haven’t been as great about this as I’d like. Going forward, I know there will still be times when I’m thinking to myself “get to the point,” but it’s gonna be a much more concerted effort to truly hear what he or she is saying and respond in a way that they feel understood. Trust is a currency invincible to inflation. It can also be a house built on toothpicks. It doesn’t take much to lose trust points with people, so you should try to treat every conversation like it’s a make or break situation.
And if you feel that a conversation isn’t going anywhere or that you’re not getting enough to work with, it’s fine to say “I really don’t understand what you’re saying. Is it possible to explain this to me in a different way?” They may think you should get it. But even if they experience a temporary frustration with you, they’ll remember later on that you put effort into understanding where they’re coming from. They’ll trust that over time you’ll get to know them better and the words not understood today will be part of your language tomorrow.
Listening While I Work,
P.S. Check out my latest post for UPTOWN Magazine: 3 Things Men Really Want, But May Not Tell You. Also, if you’re in NYC, make sure you come out to the SBM Happy Hour at Empire Room on Friday from 6-10pm. It’s gonna be a dope time. Please RSVP here, where you’ll also be kept in the loop about future SBM events.
Oh yes. Listening. This is much harder than it seems and it is not just the act of not talking while someone else is. Like you point out, Slim, we spend more time getting ready to respond to what we think they’re going to say than we do actually listening.
Active listening is an amazing skill. Not only does it reassure the person you’re listening to that you are hearing them, but it forces you to actually listen. Give a person small encouragers like “uh-huh” and “go on” and if you can, repeat back what you’re hearing but don’t parrot them. “So basically x, y and z happened” like a brief summary… if you can zero in on the emotion they’re expressing, you’ll hit the jackpot. People love that isht. Of course active listening means you’ll need a few moments to gather your thoughts and that can be awkward for folks to wait on you to respond, but hey — you can’t have everything.
Be careful, though, if you hit ‘em with this 1, 2, 3 punch, they’ll love you for life and want you to listen to EVERYTHING.
You described the exact process I read in the book. My manager is also extremely good at this. Most loved person globally in my organization because of his ability to listen.
listening requires practice and patience.
you have two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much as you speak. i take that to heart. when someone finds it necessary to voice their frustration to me i make sure i listen whether i’m the source of that frustration or not. well especially if i’m the source of that frustration.
good post.
Thanks sir. Practice indeed it does require. Some folks spend their whole lives trying to become better listeners.
I consider my ear high in quality and my trust very valuable. I love listening so much, I am going to make money from it very soon
. Active listening is a learned skill and it helps one to really understand people. l learn a lot about people listening and observing body language, its second nature to me. I even see and hear what they are not saying at times. A gift I now cherish and appreciate.
Wonderful post Sir Slim.
So basically you’re about to turn currency into currency?
It’s a wonderful thing when you realize you have a gift or talent you enjoy using and can’t be compensated for.
Thanks for dropping by! Always good to see you in my e-hood.
Ditto…minus the making money from it part, although Counselling Psychology was once in my future. I will still be required to listen to people on the job eventually, but not nearly to that extent.
But yes, one of the few things that I can actually vouch for is my ability to listen and earn people’s trust. People gravitate towards and open up to me with ease. No matter how bad I am at reaching out to others, others know not to hesitate to reach out to me. I can definitely read people based on their words and body language, but I have to be interested enough to be attentive. People meeting me for the first time hear me say psychology and think I’m psychoanalyzing the hell out of them, when in reality I’m thinking about things that are immediately more relevant to me, such as food.
Awesome read!
Active listening can be a challenge but so rewarding in the end for all parties involved. I’m studying to become a professional counselor so I thought I was a pretty good listener. In one of my first classes, the professor told each student, “As a counselor, do not ask questions.” Everyone gave a blank stare of “what do we do now?”. She told us to listen to each person and reflect back the words and content of what the person said so they know you heard them. It was challenging at first but it is becoming second nature.
I love how you equated listening to trust. I do not think many people understand the important correlation between to the two.
Just found this post and had to comment as I really appreciated it. Very valid point, I like how you correlate trust and listening. Listening feels like a lost art form nowadays. And I’d say even more so in NY. Don’t know how many complete strangers have confided extremely private issues and concerns in me at the train station, in the elevator, at the grocery store and so on. I’m not talking about bums or weirdos, just normal individuals who seem starved for someone listening to them. Does this fast-paced city leave us emotionally alone as everybody are so busy making it on their own that nobody really has time to listen to one another?
I think what most of us get wrong when listening is exactly what you mention slim – we are so caught up in what we are going to respond that instead of listening to it all, we listen to half of it and base the rest on past experiences. What we forget is that most of the time, the response is only worth about 10 % of the trust points. The remaining 90 % are based on the individual feeling like you actually listened to what they said and that you empathized with their situation
Hey Sarah. Thanks for dropping by. I agree that the response is a small percentage compared to the ear. NYC is a different beast. Everything goes against the norm here. I think the fast pace and anonymity make it easier for people to share with strangers, but brings to light the fact people don’t feel that they can share what’s on their mind with people they know. Never thought about it before, but glad you pointed that out.