Me saying no to a project, walking away feeling liberated and red.
A couple weeks ago I wrote about a post called Give Me Free: The Motivation Behind My Lifestyle Change. In case you missed it, it was about my desire to obtain freedom in all aspects of my life. There were some great comments on the article, and one in particular jumped out at me from a reader named James. Little did he know he was refreshing me on a lesson I’m learning more and more every day via my day job and extracurricular commitments:
I’m in complete alignment w/ this post, man!
For me, I had a hellish 18 months. And to top it off, I moved to a city I hate for a woman whose goals were going a little opposite of mine. I was getting sick all the time, ulcers, my pacemaker was wildin out. It got bad. Then last month, I really sat down and told myself to start saying “NO” more often. There is no greater sense of freedom than being able to say NO and not feel bad about it. I’m a Cancer so I tend to really be into family/friends, fostering those relationships, and at times being a pushover. I sat back and looked at the lives of those around me who have benefitted from my selflessness and it was like, they had the life that I wanted. They were steady building and progressing while I was just handing them the bricks. I’m probably not doing the epiphany proper justice LOL but that was my life-changing “aha” moment.
So I would say freedom is being able to put you 1st and giving yourself permission to be selfish.
Well said, good sir. I, too, am/was guilty of being a “Yes Man.” At work, I was so focused on trying to please everybody that I was taking on more projects than I was comfortable with. And as a result, things fell through the cracks or weren’t done properly…which reflected upon me more negatively than had I just said NO to the projects upfront. Outside of work, I’d taken on more writing commitments than necessary — a couple of which weren’t pushing me in the direction of my goals. I’d be asked for things and would instinctively say yes despite my reservations. It caused more stress and took up hours of my time that could’ve been spent elsewhere. Yes isn’t always productive.
And toughest of all, I’ve been taking on a lot of requests for resume and cover letter reviews, book reviews, etc. for free. I’ve realized that I’m happy to help people. But if I want to achieve the goals I’ve set for myself, then I have to say NO more often. Or, if I choose to say “yes,” whatever project I’m taking on needs to be one step closer to freedom.
In fact, I have started to say NO more often. And guess what? People have been completely understanding nine times out of ten. It was all in how I said it. Coincidentally, I read a great article on Pick the Brain (PTB) yesterday titled Why You Need to Say No More Often (And How to Do Just That). If you believe you say “yes” too often, I’d suggest you check this read out. I also mention this article because I want to close out this post by sharing one line from the PTB piece that summarizes my thoughts on all this:
“It’s easier to say ‘no’ when you’ve got a clear focus on what’s truly important in your life.”
Since I’ve figured that out, NO has gotten a lot easier and I’ve become much more productive. How about for you?
NO. I refuse to review your struggling rapper mixtape,
Good post. Hmmmm I’m gonna start saying no to my hubs.
Nope! You took vows to say yes yes yes (massa)!..lol
Saying No has gotten easier now that I know what I want out of life, from people, and from myself. Every now and again, though, something comes across my path and the eyebrows go up. Once I decided I was moving back to the East Coast to attend school, I got all kinds of work opportunities that came my way. I even set up a couple of interviews. Then I realized, while the jobs were cool, they weren’t for me at this point in my life. These last few months I’ve learned not only to say no but how to discern what’s for me and what isn’t and to be OK with walking away.
Hell yeah!
I learned this lesson after I broke up with my first ex in undergrad. The word “no” gives niggas boundaries. Let’s people know what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable. Makes people pause when they want to ask you for a favor and more importantly, it helps them understand WHAT they can actually come to you for.
I never told my first ex no, that woman never had a problem asking for something no matter how outlandish it was. It’s almost like the more you say yes, the more ridiculous the requests become. The woman I dated after her, got told no way more frequently. I kinda overdid it with her, because it got to the point where she never asked me to do anything lol.
In short, no is a great weapon to get people to understand that YOUR time is just as important as theirs. And they should respect your time the same way you respect theirs.
Lol at what happened with the 2nd. I’ve generally become a “no” person first. Or at the least, “why is this important an let me check my schedule” person. It’s done tactfully, but for every yes that ends up taking hours, something that pushes me closer to goals remains undone.
I agree, no does set boundaries. When you say Yes all the time people start to take that for granted and will keep coming back to ask you for more favors. I don’t mind helping others, in fact I like helping others, just not at the detriment of myself or my needs. After a hard school year (the toughest year of my teaching career) my boss asked me if I would do some work over the summer. It felt sooooooo good to say no. The summer is the only time when I can focus on my passions and do me. I wouldn’t compromise that to do more work that I don’t want to do. It’s not just about saying no, its about doing what you really want to do and advocating for yourself. I say Yes to me!
Wanted to comment here, but I said no.
I purposely refused to reply to this for like 18 hours.
LMAO
my last words before I die b/c Streetz’s comment killed me
Saying No has ALWAYS been hard for me. I’m a Pisces and you {{Slim}} know how we can be. I might say No in the beginning but it will eventually turn into an “okay sure”. I’m so bad that people who know me have come to realize that if they ask me the same thing in a different tone, with a different facial expression, or under different circumstances my No will turn to a Yes
My dad told me the other day “you have to look out for yourself first sometimes” and I thought “if only you knew how hard that is for me”
I feel that when I can’t/don’t help people I’m not living up to the person people (and myself) see me as. I’ve ALWAYS been known to be very nice, extremely helpful, kind, etc and when I tell people No I feel as though I’m letting them down
I’m getting to that “it’s good to help people but I can’t lose myself while doing so” point in my life. I’m not there yet but I’m a lot closer to it than I was a few years ago
This was a good read, thank you!
*finger snaps for progress*
That letting people down thing is crucial. I hate it. Or worse, just not meeting expectations even when I say yes because I’m doing too much. Nonetheless, keep working at it!
We have to say no if we want to respect ourselves and be respected in return. Saying yes all the time, makes you look like someone who needs to fit in by any means.
Yeah, and that appearance of trying to fit in is what makes people lose their identity. Nobody knows what they’re about because they appear to be about everything.lol
Hello everyone. My name is Ashley and I’m a recovering “yes” addict.
This was a lesson that I learned a lot like how James did. I was miserable both physically and emotionally. It was funny that when I realized how taking on too much was hurting me physically I realized I needed to get it together even though i think the emotional issues were worse. Whatever the case, it’s been a slow process for me to learn how to say no and when to say no and still be sure that I’ve made the person feel like I could very well say yes next time. My fear was always that saying no would make the other person view me as untrustworthy (yeah, I was trippin major) so when I decided that I neither cared about that AND that most of my friends didn’t think like that, I was good to go.
Great post, man.
Our bodies have an uncanny way of showing us the direction our minds need to go…thank God for clarity eh!
This ” Or, if I choose to say “yes,” whatever project I’m taking on needs to be one step closer to freedom.”
And definitely this “In fact, I have started to say NO more often. And guess what? People have been completely understanding nine times out of ten.”
I love this! I can definitely relate to to having the “yes” complex at work. Earlier this year I was relatively new on my job and felt all of this pressure to contribute/produce/being doing some ish, largely to prove that I was a team player. I missed 2 of my 5 goals for the first quarter, and in April I decided focus my efforts and take a pass on anything that did not add value to my clients or my career development. I work in a team of 9 so I didn’t have to actively say “no” a lot, but I stayed quiet when my boss would ask for people to take on menial tasks that really we could have delegated to our admin/analyst. As a result, I was one of like 7 people in my region who hit all of their goals this quarter – mainly because I was able to focus on what mattered (slash what will pay my bills when I get my bonus). Hollar!
Congrats! Great story! Staying quiet is just as effective as no sometimes.lol. Definitely learned that lesson!
As usual your info and insights are on point and useful for professional and personal progress. it was pointed out to me years ago (my boss was a MBA & Phd psychology) that inability to say no is a personality flaw, as well as a progress inhibitor. i had to learn the hard way … I did learn.
One tidbit, if I may share, the inability to ask for help is maybe a greater hinderance. A lot of times these two go hand in hand. Yu want to help, but won’t let anyone help you.
This i also had to learn the hard way … i did learn.
As usual your posts deliver great information Slim. Thanks for being here.
Hey Gregory,
Thanks for the tidbit. That inability is one that’s worth a post in itself. Much time has been wasted and many projects delayed because people (self-included) haven’t asked for help. May have to add one on that topic to the queue. Have a good weekend!